Sexual failures

One of my instances of chemically induced dickflop was in a situation where I was told I had to sleep with a fat girl in order to be able to stay the night in a certain house. Loads of people turned up at a Halloween party in a house down the side of Whitworth Park. I had a good time but went back to a house with my mate and his mrs. I'd spent up and it was 4am and I didn't think to get a taxi so the bargain was that I could only stay if I slept with Rachel. I essentially prostituted myself for a bed except i'd call it more of a phantom prostitute. Disappointment all around, nobody got their end away.
 
Big Swifty said:
It was when I was teaching and the head girl had a bit of a thing for me, and she wrote me a letter saying (quote) "I want to give myself to you completely". Bloody hell.

Fortunately for my employment prospects I declined her kind offer. Does that count as a failure? I prefer to think of it as a wise choice.
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She was the 'head' girl? Explain.
 
Big Swifty said:
To settle all speculation, secondary school - she was nearly 17 and quite fit.....
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There are two rules in Off Top.

1) You have to post pictures
2) You dont tell the truth by saying 'I did the right thing'

Go away, think about it and repost in 20 minutes with a tale of sordid debauchery where you did her in the headmasters study after a sound spanking because she had been naughty. End it by saying unfortunately the cleaner walked in and caught you and you are now on the sex register.
 
Blue Mist said:
There are two rules in Off Top.

1) You have to post pictures
2) You dont tell the truth by saying 'I did the right thing'

Go away, think about it and repost in 20 minutes with a tale of sordid debauchery where you did her in the headmasters study after a sound spanking because she had been naughty. End it by saying unfortunately the cleaner walked in and caught you and you are now on the sex register.
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Oh, talking of cleaners.....
I once worked for a retail organization that was in the habit of alarming its units, silent with a link to the local cop shop. Alarm goes off, coppers attend, and find the manager pleasuring an office cleaner, selotaped to a desk.
 
Took a girl into mum and dads front room. Afterwards there was a problem as the full length zip on her new silk dress. I had to signal mum in to sort the zip out. Not a failure but a bit embarrassing.
 
Crouchinho said:
Posted this a while ago on me trip to Kent

I went on a pub crawl with some friends in Kent. After having one too many shandies, I somehow ended up on my own and met up with some other random group. I was chatting up some blonde piece all night barely stringing words together due to being hammered, her brother wasn't too impressed with me chatting her up all night giving me the evil eye.

Afterwards, we all went to some house party, after one too many again I go upstairs to the bog to throw up. I went into one of the rooms in the house hoping she'd come up soon. The celing was spinning and I'm trying to not throw up more.

About twenty minutes later I heard the door open, as I'm laying starkers in the bed hoping it would be her. Either way, i have a stiffy and want to get laid I don't care if it isn't. I get jumped on and nearly break every bone in my body. I knew it was a tubby straight away and start playing with the smallish jugs running my tongue and face all over them. Next thing I know my willy is pulled out and I'm doing them up the Arsenal being ridden like Red Rum in the Grand National, didn't take me long to finish that's for sure. A few minutes later the light switch comes on and to my horror on top of me is her fat brother. Blondie wasn't too impressed.

Oh well, shags a shag!!!!!!!
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Reminds me of this from the letters page in the Viz back in the day:

Last Saturday after a bout of particularly passionate lovemaking, I lit up a cigarette for myself and my wife. Imagine my surprise, however, when I turned on the light and found myself in bed with our eldest son Robert. I had come into the wrong room by mistake. My wife was waiting for me in the next bedroom!
Robert was most annoyed at the time as he is a keen athlete and he doesn't smoke!
 
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