This sex (sack) is on fire!

Just squat over a burning candle as I've said before.
Strange but compelling smell of your crackling burning alley bags spider legs retracting to their birth state is the only natural way forward. What did the cave men do. Leave your potions to the lassies and man up
 
EnzoMCFC said:
Just squat over a burning candle as I've said before.
Strange but compelling smell of your crackling burning alley bags spider legs retracting to their birth state is the only natural way forward. What did the cave men do. Leave your potions to the lassies and man up
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Are you a Dipper?
 
EnzoMCFC said:
Just squat over a burning candle as I've said before.
Strange but compelling smell of your crackling burning alley bags spider legs retracting to their birth state is the only natural way forward. What did the cave men do. Leave your potions to the lassies and man up
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Show a bit of class and lie on your back with a bottle of Courvoisier and act like a christmas pudding.
 
BlueMoonRisin’ said:
What it is i tried shaving my sack a few days ago because my pubes were out of control like a bag of coiled watch springs. Having shaved it in the past with a razor (with varying degrees of success) the last time i shaved downstairs it looked like a I'd been thrashed by a spikey cactus on inspecting it.

So i thought I'd try my electric hair/beard trimmer and i did resulting in a nasty 2mm sack nick that drew blood. Not only was it bleeding but it was stinging like fuck and irritable, especially when i tried scratching it, i know but it was itching and it's my sack, not yours.

The scab healed and my pubes grew again to unkept garden proportions and i was in the local chemist the other day and i saw some Nair 'Sensitive Cream'. It was on special offer at 99p reduced from £2.99 so i thought right I'll have a tube of that.

On Wednesday morning my sack was almost resembling David Bellamy's beard so i read the instructions on the tube which said apply and leave for 5-6 minutes.(maximum 10 mins) i smeared it on my sack but didnt rub in as per the instructions.

Set the timer on my phone and lay on the bed waiting for woolly mammoth sack meltdown. "Be beep be beep bee beep" - that's me, time was up. and time to gently wash my sack in warm soapy water, which i did.

I washed it and patted it fry like you would a chicken fillet and 10 minutes later. Well, i may have smeared the juice of a Carolina Reaper over my balls because the pain kicked in big-time and the inflammation was something else!

I was in agony. The pain was intense between the bottom of my sack and my starfish. Some 16 hours later it's still stinging like a right bastard and it's causing panic and anxiety. I'm trying to go to sleep but i may have to just get in the car and go to A&E with a sack like a haggis that's been dumped in a nuclear reactor! : (

Advice needed.
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Go to A&E but keep us informed. I think yer problem started when yer tried to 'fry' it.
 
Dave Ewing's Back 'eader said:
Go to A&E but keep us informed. I think yer problem started when yer tried to 'fry' it.
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I had a bath earlier and i always test the water by lowering my arse in slowly with caution. I slipped and yelped out a "arghhh" as my sack retracted into my body to then leap up sending a mini tsunami into my bathroom. Fortunately the water wasn't as hot as i usually have it but it's still a bit sore downstairs.
 
dogmeat said:
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "

Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-
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No sprout should have to endure that.


p.s funniest thing i have read on here in a very long time
 
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