To be read in Gushing BBC style
Haaland Vs Hojlund comparisons:
Well, 1st up, it’s pretty damn close on the 1st thing that springs out at you, their name. Hojlund is a little under 50% of the same letters as Haaland, but don’t let this fool you, Hojlund has a little over 50% different unique letters in his name than boring 3 ‘a’s Haaland.
Hojlund is a match for Haaland in many ways, they are both tall, they are both blonde and they are both from a Scandinavian country. Where Hojlund surpasses Haaland is that Denmark is where rock solid Schmicheal comes from, whereas Norway is the home of catastrophe imre varadi.
Let’s take some more Stats, and it’s clear that Hojlund (previous club Italian Atalanta) is well ahead of Haaland, eg for goals whilst playing in Italy, Hojlund absolutely smashes Haaland by 10:1.
Transcribing that ratio to the 23/24 season, hojlund could smash Haaland’s PL season record of goals by over 500, meaning the mythical Dixie Dean record of goals scored would also be obliterated.
In terms of career goals, Norwegian Haaland is eating the danish maestro hojlunds dust as the danish dynamo powers through with these stats:
Against Gibraltar teams 1:0
Against Slovakian teams 1:0
Against danish teams 16:2
Infact one of the few places that Haaland beats Hojlund for goals scored, is in his native Norway, but that’s an unfair comparison, as hojlund never had a football tour of Norway as a kid or teenager, so has been denied the opportunity to rip the Norwegian junior records apart.
It is clear to this reporter that the future is hojlund and that Haaland is just a blonde Darwin Nunez, and united will be back next season as they go from strength to strength under the latest new messiah ETH. Is that about right Mr Stone? When do I get a wristwatch?