Being a merchant seaman for many years I have a few embarrassing tales involving myself and others over the years.
One hilarious one involved a guy I sailed with from the Isle of Man called Roger Plane. Now Roger was a big chap, just under seven foot tall and at least twenty six stone. If you've seen the film One flew over the Cuckoo's nest he looked a bit like that Indian bloke in the asylum. When we went ashore in the States even the Yanks called him Sasquatch.
Back in those days if a friendly English speaking ship was docked alongside it was common practice to pop onboard and have a few drinks in their crew bar and vice versa. One night a few of us ended up in the crew bar of a Swedish ship. The facilities onboard were far superior to British ships and we were having a great time, all free too. Anyway unfortunately Roger had a dose of the trots and after getting instructions as to where the nearest toilet was set off to do what he needed to do. He had been gone for some time and as a couple of us got up to investigate as to where he was there was an almighty commotion in the distance, lots of angry shouting. Around the corner came a red faced Roger with three very angry Swedish officers, led by the Captain, in hot pursuit. The Captain was apoletic with rage shouting "Get that animal.off my ship!!!!"
We were all duly turfed off and told never to return.
Baffled we beat a hasty retreat and Roger, in between fits of laughter, told us what had happened. In trying to find the toilet he had got lost. In a panic and busting for a shit he was frantically opening doors trying to find it. Eventually he ended up in the ships laundry room. No toilet obviously but what it did have was a huge sink. Roger was now at the point of no return so he did what anybody would.....he dropped his pants, squatted over the sink and emptied his bowels of diarrhea into it. Unfortunately for Roger somebody had spotted this strange giant chap running into the laundry room and the Captain and two of his fellow officers had rushed to investigate. They walked in to be greeted by Rogers giant fat arse squatted over the sink and the horrendous smell that accompanied it as nature took its course. The Captain was not for listening to poor Rogers attempts at explanation and apology but screamed at him to get off his ship. Roger as dry as fuck smiled and said, "Okay Captain but can I finish off.....oh and you haven't got any toilet paper have you?" He was allowed to do both, there was no choice really, but that was the end of Swedish/Anglo relations for that trip lol.
