Joke thread

I said to the gym instructor, can you help me do the splits.
Sure he replies how flexible are you.
Well I can do Friday!
 
Johnny and James are in the playground at school when Johnny notices that James has a smart new watch.Where did you get that Johnny asks, oh said James I was walking past my sisters bedroom and heard strange moaning noises, so I went in, and my sister and her boyfriend had no clothes on and were lying on the bed together. When they saw me they promised to buy me a brand new watch if I didnt tell anyone what I saw.Wow, thought Johnny, I hear those noises from mum n dads room all the time. So that night Johnny waits on the landing, and sure enough he hears his mum making moaning sounds so he bursts in, there is his mum on all fours with his dad banging her from behind. Upon seeing him his mum lets out a scream and his dad says what the fuck do you want son, er... I want a watch says Johnny nervously, ok says his dad, you can sit there but dont make a noise.
 
An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”

“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.


As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.

They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.

Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”

The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”
 
In London an old Priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the Capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his Nurse to come near. “Yes, Father?" said the Nurse. "I would really like to see Theresa May and David Cameron before I die," whispered the Priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the Nurse. The Nurse had the request sent to Number 10 and all waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; May and Cameron would be delighted to visit the Priest. As they went to the hospital, Cameron commented to May, "I don't know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” May agreed that it was a good thing. When they arrived at the Priest's room, the Priest took Cameron’s hand in his right hand and May’s hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old Priest's face. Finally Theresa May spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you neared the end?" The old Priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ." "Amen," said May. "Amen," said Cameron. The old Priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; in fulfilling that consummate desire, I wanted to do the same."
 
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