Joke thread

ChicagoBlue said:
Wouldn’t “Sorry, it’s already out” have been less of a slap across the head and funnier?

Or just combine the impotence and kleptomania jokes....

“Excuse me, could I check out a book on impotence and one on kleptomania?

Sorry, they’re not in at the moment!”

Two old men sitting in deck chairs at the beach. One says, “Nice out, isn’t it?” Other replies, “Yeah, I think I’m going to leave mine out.”
Click to expand...
Pedant alert!!
 
An oldie, but a goodie....

A bloke goes into Tesco and tries to buy half a cauliflower. The young assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers.

The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager "Some prick out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."

As he finished his sentence, he turns to find the man standing right behind him, so he adds, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approves the deal, and the man goes on his way.

Later the manager says to the boy "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Glasgow sir," the boy replies. "Really? Why did you leave Glasgow?" the manager asks.

"Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there."

"Really?" says the manager. "My wife is from Glasgow!!"

"You're kidding?" Says the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
 
Another oldie

Con goes in strangeways, fuck he says its cold in here. Hang on a minute said the screw I'll put another bar on for you
 
A man goes into a pub, GET OUT, shouts the landlord, you are banned.Why, asks the man innocently, because you were in here last night trying to con drinks out of all the customers and I banned you, says the landlord. Well, says the man, I have only just arrived in town by train not 30 minutes ago and have never been here before in my life. Oh, well, I,m sorry says the landlord, you must have a double or something, why thats very kind of you says the man, make it a whiskey.
 
Blue_eyes said:
A man goes into a pub, GET OUT, shouts the landlord, you are banned.Why, asks the man innocently, because you were in here last night trying to con drinks out of all the customers and I banned you, says the landlord. Well, says the man, I have only just arrived in town by train not 30 minutes ago and have never been here before in my life. Oh, well, I,m sorry says the landlord, you must have a double or something, why thats very kind of you says the man, make it a whiskey.
Click to expand...
A follow up to that one is when the bloke says, ''Didn't you used to run that pub on the other side of town,
er.. what's it called, oh yes, Chavin.
''Chavin?''
''That's very kind, I'll have another double whisky.''
 
My mate came 2nd in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition, close but no cigar

When I was younger I wanted to be a tobacconist, but it was just a pipe dream
 
A London cabbie gets flagged down by a brash American businessman at the airport. Take me to the savoy says the yank but detour round some of the sights in this little city of yours on the way. They drive past Buckingham Palace and the cabbie says thats the queens residence, well, says the yank, I have a summer house down my garden as big as that, as big as that!! exclaims the cabbie. Well,says the yank, that far off, and parts his thumb and forefinger by 2 inches to show the cabbie how close. They go past Nelsons column and as the cabbie is explaining its history the yank says, well, I have trees in my garden as tall as that. As tall as that"" exclaims the cabbie. That far off says the yank again gesticulating with his thumb and forefinger. This goes on at all the other points of interest along the way, then finally they reach the yanks hotel, as he gets out he sees a building across the road. Whats that place? asks the yank,and points to a maternity hospital. Oh, says the cabbie, thats where British women have babies out of their arses, out of their arses!! exclaims the yank, well,says the cabbie.............. that far off.
 
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.

She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
"I asked him what to give you".
He said, "Fuck-him. Give him a fiver."

She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea"
 
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