Joke thread

What is a bigamist? A large fog over Italy.

Lynx have made a new scent for men, it's called "bread crumbs" ... The bird's are gonna love it.

I got arrested, the policeman said "Get in the back of the van" So I got in, it was full of freezers and there was a machine called Mr. Whippy. He said "Not that van."
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
I went into a pet shop and asked the assistant "Have you got any dogs going cheap?
He replied, "Sorry sir all ours go woof."

I just had a shave with a Bic. It was a daft idea, my face is covered in ink now.

I love watching videos of calm lakes and flowing rivers on the internet. In fact I'm watching a live stream right now.
Click to expand...

:)
 
Don't be mean to fatties...They've got a lot on their plates.

My sex addiction councillor told me that she thinks I should no longer see women as sexual objects and I should have respect for them as equals. Sounds like she wants a good shag if you ask me.

If you've never tried archery whilst blindfolded, you should. You don't know what you're missing.
 
The best bit about fighting is the make-up sex. That's why I hate arguing with my dad.

I got struck off as a vet when I put a healthy dog down because it pissed on my wrist, as I gave the injection I screamed at it "You're not getting away with that! NOT ON MY WATCH!"

I got a phone call from the headmaster "You're son has been found with cocaine in his pocket. Do you have an idea where he might have got it from?"
I said "Probably his grandfather, he used to take cocaine to school at that age too."
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
What is a bigamist? A large fog over Italy.

Lynx have made a new scent for men, it's called "bread crumbs" ... The bird's are gonna love it.

I got arrested, the policeman said "Get in the back of the van" So I got in, it was full of freezers and there was a machine called Mr. Whippy. He said "Not that van."
Click to expand...

bravo
 
if you think that's bad...

I've moped around all day today...I love my new moped.

I met a homeless guy who thought he was 007, he said "The name's Bond...Vagabond."

Growing up I was raised by my nan, she's bloody great at poker

When I lived in Frankfurt the German Shepherd from next door always took a shit my garden. It was even worse when his dog started doing it.

When my divorce got finalized my wife threw an open tin of Ambrosia at me. It's alright though, I got custardy.
 
"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate...!!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."
 
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