Joke thread

[blue44]

 

[blue44]

 

[fanatic1]

A leader of a Hells Angels gang is comatose in his armchair after watching a porn video and surrounded by empty beer cans. Suddenly the doorbell rings and grumbling he opens the front door.

Standing there is an 85 year old woman' crippled with arthritis and holding a zimmer frame. She is wearing a leather bikers' jacket. She quavers "Good evening young man. I'd really like to join your biking chapter." He snorts "Sorry super gran - you need a real mean machine for that."

She replies "Just call me Gladys and that's my ride over there. He swallows hard as she points to a brand new Harley Davidson - with all the bells and whistles. Quite puts his own machine to shame.

He mutters "Well Gladys you wouldn't like it as all our members drink like a fish." In reply she takes a bottle of tequila from her jacket and takes a hefty pull.

He says " All our members smoke like chimneys." She answers "I'm a 4 packs a day girl and I smoke 2 fat Cuban cigars in the evenings when I shoot pool."

The Angel is really rattled now and asks "Well have you ever been pulled up by the Fuzz?"

She answers "Well no but I've been swung around by the nipples a few times."

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[Blue Mist]

View attachment 30305

I was locked out of a music site and struggling so asked my lad for help. The first thing he had to do was recover my password as I had forgotten it.
It was Fuckingsickofthisshit

Sadly I am being serious

 

[Grumpyman]

 

[blue44]

 

[blue44]

 

[blue44]

 

[crazyg]

I was locked out of a music site and struggling so asked my lad for help. The first thing he had to do was recover my password as I had forgotten it.
It was Fuckingsickofthisshit

Sadly I am being serious

OK Shirley.

 

[JRockBlues]

Manchester City have been playing a lot of the season with a false 9 but the rags have taken it a step further by playing with false footballers.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[sir baconface]

 

[Fred_Quimby]

I will support any woman who doesn’t want to wear a bra.

 

[shemnel]

How do you turn a duck into a 70s soul singer?

Put it in the oven on 180 until its bill withers.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[Bill Walker]

Bath Night

A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don?t go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the bloody darts team hadn't..

 

[LWashington]

How do you turn a duck into a 70s soul singer?

Put it in the oven on 180 until it's bill withers.

So if I want to turn a duck into an 80s soul singer do Anita Baker?

 

[kevin horlocks wand]

I was in an interview the other day and the interviewer asked me if I can perform under pressure ?

I said no , but I could do I good bohemian rhapsody.

 

[CALCIO POTATO]

I was in an interview the other day and the interviewer asked me if I can perform under pressure ?

I said no , but I could do I good bohemian rhapsody.

I saw a familiar person in the same window on my way to work for about two years, but on reflection it must have been me