Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church.

There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied:

"Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

 

[Lavinda Past]

At a communist rally...

"Comrades, the capitalist is a greedy exploiter. The owner of your factory is just sucking your lifeblood out every day to rake in his profits.”

A voice from the crowd says:

“I don’t see our owner that way at all. He’s the sort of person who’ll stop his Rolls-Royce on a cold, rainy night and give you a lift. He’ll let you take a hot bath and then sit with him on the sofa in front of the fire. He’ll treat you to as much brandy as you like and then he’ll let you sleep in his own bed.”

“Wait, comrade. Are you saying that this happened to you personally?”

“Well, no, but it happened to my sister.”

 

[Lavinda Past]

I bought an Ikea wardrobe from Bonnie Tyler a few weeks ago.

It looks great in my bedroom but every now and then it falls apart.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My friend has got a conjoined uncle on his mother's side.

 

[Big Swifty]

My friend has got a conjoined uncle on his mother's side.

Noah receives a visitation from God. The conersation runs thus:

God: Noah, I want you to build me an ark.
Noah: Yes, Lord, like the one I built when we had the gerat flood?
God: Well, this is a bit different. I want it built ten decks high.
Noah: And you want me to fill it with animals, two by two?
God: No, I want want you to fill it with my favourite endangered golden carp.
Noah: Let me get this traight. You want an ark ten decks high filled with golden carp?
God: Pretty much, yes.
Noah: I never heard of such a thing!
God: You mean you never heard of a multi=storey carp-Ark?

 

[Lavinda Past]

Paddy and Murphy fancy a Pint but only have a quid between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage.

Murphy says are You mad? Now we're skint!

'Come on' says Paddy 'follow me'.

They go into the pub order two pints and drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it.

The Barman goes berserk and throws them out.

10 pubs and 10 pints later, Murphy says..
'I cant do this any more, my knees are sore and I'm pissed.

How do you think I feel? Says Paddy... 'I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in...'

 

[Lavinda Past]

How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb in my basement?

Obviously more than four as its still fucking dark down there.

Reply

 

[lefty goldblatt]

 

[Lavinda Past]

Teacher asks kids about their dad.

One kid proudly says my dad’s a soldier. He’s got a uniform and a pistol too.

Next kid says my dad doesn’t work. He gets his dole on Thursday and he’s on the piss till two.

 

[A57 the snake]

View attachment 121128

As jokes go on here ..that’s a forty yard screamer !!!

 

[Lavinda Past]

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three good reasons why I’m not going.
First of all, the church is cold in the morning.
It’s freezing cold. Second, no one there likes me.
Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.
And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”

 

[uncle fester]

Guy was talking to his mate at work - 'I had one of them Freudian slips when talking to the wife this morning'

'what's that then?'

'you know, when you say something very similar to what you were meaning to say but it means something completely different'

'What'd you say?'

'well I meant to say - pass the sugar dear, but it came out as Fuck off you fat bitch, you've ruined my life'

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Lavinda Past]

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.

After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope.

Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"

"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."

"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"

"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"

"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"

"I'm sure" says the Pope.

Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.

"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.

Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."

And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....

 

[Lavinda Past]

Three mates decide to go on a ski trip together but they arrive at the resort late and the last available room only has a king size bed.
They shrug it off and figure no big deal, they’re tired and cold and just want to get some sleep so they head on up to the room and climb into the bed and quickly pass out.

The next morning they wake up and over breakfast the guy who’d been sleeping on the left side starts telling the others about this amazing dream he had the night before about having sex with a beautiful woman.

As soon as he’s done telling his story the guy who slept on the other side of the bed says “wow, that’s crazy, I had the exact same dream!”

Lastly the guy who slept in the middle says bitterly “you guys are lucky, I just dreamed I was skiing.”

 

[bluethrunthru]

 

[Lavinda Past]

A woman goes to her partner's home. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

 

[Lavinda Past]