One day, I’ll bore you with the details of the political party I intend to found. And that’s a threat.
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Not jokes but so so funny
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
I spent three years working alongside MPs in Westminster. I swore never to vote again in any election after that, and I ignore politics wherever possible.
The only funny thing about politics is the way they all leave their bikes outside.
I have voted in every election, local, national, euro, referendum for over 50 years. Not bothering this time.
By far the best of its type I’ve ever seen. Very funny.Not jokes but so so funny
Robinho's Subbuteo
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 18 Jan 2009
- Messages
- 7,753
- Team supported
- Manchester City
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I may have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord."
So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I may have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord."
So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window,
jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my arse.........
It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window,
jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my arse.........
It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.
Jane then explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?
"Check for squirrel." he responds
"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.
Jane then explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?
"Check for squirrel." he responds
jimharri
Moderator
As Bullet Tooth Tony said in "Snatch"; never underestimate the predictability of stupidity. Definitely some potential Darwin award candidates in that lot.Not jokes but so so funny
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Most businesses employ a Gender Equality Officer nowadays.
Ever noticed that the majority of GEO jobs are held by females...?
It's probably because they get paid less than men.
Ever noticed that the majority of GEO jobs are held by females...?
It's probably because they get paid less than men.
It strikes me that the PL should be in charge of equality. They could tie the top people’s salary to the lowest paid woman/black person/ disabled person in the company. Achievement would count for nothing.
kippaxneil
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 10 May 2007
- Messages
- 315
My mate has just been sacked from his job as a bingo caller at the local care home for the elderly .
Apparently, a meal for two with a hairy view is not an appropriate way to call 69.
Apparently, a meal for two with a hairy view is not an appropriate way to call 69.
Enoch Powell joke from the 60's, work it out.
lefty goldblatt
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 1 Jul 2012
- Messages
- 6,709
Muthafucker
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
One day a man walked into a sporting goods store looking to buy a rifle. The man had never been hunting before and asked the clerk if he could recommend a rifle.
"Oh yes," the clerk said. "I'm not a very good shot but I've done quite a lot of hunting in my day, even did some big game hunting with my brother in law." To which the man responded "No way! Did you get anything?"
"I sure did, we were in the African jungle when we suddenly stumbled upon a monstrous crocodile. He was a mean one too. With scars all over his face this was surely one bad croc.
My brother in law said he wanted to wrestle it and take a picture afterward. So he crept right up to it, until they were face to face, nose to nose, eye to eye, tooth to tooth. The giant croc stretched its massive jaws preparing to take a bite out of my brother in law.
Naturally I couldn't let that happen so I raised my rifle and shot him, shot him right between the eyes."
"I had this fancy belt made after I got back to our camp."
"Oh wow! So the belt is genuine crocodile skin? Asked the man...
"No... genuine brother in law"
"Oh yes," the clerk said. "I'm not a very good shot but I've done quite a lot of hunting in my day, even did some big game hunting with my brother in law." To which the man responded "No way! Did you get anything?"
"I sure did, we were in the African jungle when we suddenly stumbled upon a monstrous crocodile. He was a mean one too. With scars all over his face this was surely one bad croc.
My brother in law said he wanted to wrestle it and take a picture afterward. So he crept right up to it, until they were face to face, nose to nose, eye to eye, tooth to tooth. The giant croc stretched its massive jaws preparing to take a bite out of my brother in law.
Naturally I couldn't let that happen so I raised my rifle and shot him, shot him right between the eyes."
"I had this fancy belt made after I got back to our camp."
"Oh wow! So the belt is genuine crocodile skin? Asked the man...
"No... genuine brother in law"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation.
They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is).
As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down.
When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out.
The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"
They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is).
As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down.
When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out.
The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A pirate goes to the skin doctor and says “I have these moles on me back.”
The doctor takes a look and says “It’s okay, they’re benign.”
The pirate says “Count again, I think there be ten.”
The doctor takes a look and says “It’s okay, they’re benign.”
The pirate says “Count again, I think there be ten.”
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Two retirees, George and Sam, have been playing golf every Saturday for decades. Always the same time, same course. They leave their houses at 10 AM, get home at 3 PM.
One Saturday, Sam isn't home at 3 ... nor 4 ... 4:30. Finally at around five he staggers in, looking haggard and disheveled.
"Sam you look awful!" said his wife. "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"It was terrible!" Sam replied. "Worst day of my life. George and I were halfway down the first fairway when he clutched his chest and fell over, stone dead. His heart must have given out!"
"Oh dear," says the wife. "He was your best friend in the whole world! What did you do?"
"What could I do?" says Sam. "For the rest of the round, it was hit the ball, drag George; hit the ball, drag George."
One Saturday, Sam isn't home at 3 ... nor 4 ... 4:30. Finally at around five he staggers in, looking haggard and disheveled.
"Sam you look awful!" said his wife. "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"It was terrible!" Sam replied. "Worst day of my life. George and I were halfway down the first fairway when he clutched his chest and fell over, stone dead. His heart must have given out!"
"Oh dear," says the wife. "He was your best friend in the whole world! What did you do?"
"What could I do?" says Sam. "For the rest of the round, it was hit the ball, drag George; hit the ball, drag George."