Joke thread

[Tuearts right boot]

View attachment 130763

How true that is....

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

I met a bloke in a wheelchair today, his face was battered and bruised."What happened to your face?" I asked.

"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.

"Boxing?" I enquired.

"No...110m hurdles."

 

[Lavinda Past]

Just seen a story in the local paper:

"Graveyard targeted in the night - Passer by saw cheese toasties scattered everywhere".

Police say it's likely the work of Breville worshippers...

 

[Lavinda Past]

I tried crossing a feline with some punctuation.

It was a catastrophe.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was walking down the street with my wife and she suddenly said "look, there's Justin Welby over there at the bust stop, it's the Archbishop of Canterbury"

I said "nah, it can't be"

She said "go and ask him"

So I went over, and when I came back, she said "well, what did he say ?"

I said "he just told me to fuck off"

My wife said "well, I suppose we'll never know now"

 

[citizen_maine]

I was walking down the street with my wife and she suddenly said "look, there's Justin Welby over there at the bust stop, it's the Archbishop of Canterbury"

I said "nah, it can't be"

She said "go and ask him"

So I went over, and when I came back, she said "well, what did he say ?"

I said "he just told me to fuck off"

My wife said "well, I suppose we'll never know now"

Where is this bust stop?

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Where is this bust stop?

Dunno, but the 38 stops there.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I still remember the day the Dentist removed my braces.

My trousers fell down and he tried to molest me.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A recent RSPB reported a rise in Owl On Owl Violence.

Drive By Hootings.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A fly just flew into my front room and exploded...

I think it was a jihadi-long-legs

 

[Lavinda Past]

My missus asked me to wind our new born baby.

I thought that's a bit harsh so I just gave him a Chinese burn instead.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I had a waterfight with the neighbours kids outside. I won.

No one's a match for me and my kettle.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Paddy walks into the pub and all his mates burst out laughing.
One says " You put on a good show with your missus last night. You left the bedroom light on and we could see everything silhouetted on the curtains!
"Ha ha!" Laughed Paddy...."the jokes on you, I wasn't home last night!"

 

[jimharri]

Not been on here for a few days.


You haven't improved Lav.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Not been on here for a few days.


You haven't improved Lav.

You didn't honestly expect otherwise, did you?

 

[jimharri]

You didn't honestly expect otherwise, did you?

One lives in hope. Forlorn hope maybe.

 

[manimanc]

What do you call a Scottish red Indian?

Hawk Eye D'noo.

 

[Blue Mist]

A recent RSPB reported a rise in Owl On Owl Violence.

Drive By Hootings.

You're getting worse :-)

 

[mancity2012_eamo]

Paddy walks into the pub and all his mates burst out laughing.
One says " You put on a good show with your missus last night. You left the bedroom light on and we could see everything silhouetted on the curtains!
"Ha ha!" Laughed Paddy...."the jokes on you, I wasn't home last night!"

There’s that gobshite ‘Paddy’ again. You tell a lot of stories about him. He seems like a real gobdaw.

Where’s he from again?