Joke thread

[balotellishaircut]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers. He calls the number and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van, he’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
What are you going to do ? the homeowner asks.
I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in my cage in the back of the van.

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s the shotgun for” he asks.
If the bear knocks me off the roof shoot the dog.

 

[kippaxneil]

Best of luck to a mate of mine who has just started a job as Head of Recruitment for Clowns at a National Circus.
He's replacing a well respected guy who has just retired after 35 years, so there will be big shoes to fill that's for sure.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Lavinda Past a football fan,
Posted jokes he got from his Mam,
He tried his best but the jokes were bad,
His Mam's being sacked, so he's gonna try his Dad.

That's really triggered me Bill...

I suspect you don't know that I'm an orphan.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A man took his pet giraffe to a bar. They each had a few drinks, and pretty soon, the giraffe got tired and fell asleep on the floor.

The barkeep witnessed this and came up to the guy and shouted “Hey buddy, you can’t leave that lyin’ on the floor like that!”

The man responded “That’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

 

[Lavinda Past]

Bad news for dyslexics, on the 27th of October your cocks go black.

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Hertzblue]

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[MCFC68]

 

[blueish swede]

I think everyone carping on about @Lavinda Past's jokes should take a minute to reflect.

They're not his jokes. He did't make them up. He selflessly spends hours scouring his sources for them and each and every one is, no doubt, subject to a rigourous selection policy. Only those that measure up to LPs exacting standards actually make it on to BM.

Just let that sink in.

 

[Two Gun Bob]

View attachment 135030

There are no fat people in Spoons. Eating is cheating!

 

[Blue Mist]

That's really triggered me Bill...

I suspect you don't know that I'm an orphan.

Orphan found posting shit jokes ?


:-)

 

[Hertzblue]

 

[Bri1975]

I think everyone carping on about @Lavinda Past's jokes should take a minute to reflect.

They're not his jokes. He did't make them up. He selflessly spends hours scouring his sources for them and each and every one is, no doubt, subject to a rigourous selection policy. Only those that measure up to LPs exacting standards actually make it on to BM.

Just let that sink in.

Or maybe he accesses a really crap jokes website copies and pastes every joke that appears on it regardless of whether or not the joke contains any humour

 

[BimboBob]

I think everyone carping on about @Lavinda Past's jokes should take a minute to reflect.

They're not his jokes. He did't make them up. He selflessly spends hours scouring his sources for them and each and every one is, no doubt, subject to a rigourous selection policy. Only those that measure up to LPs exacting standards actually make it on to BM.

Just let that sink in.

You mean there are ones that didn't make the cut?

 

[jimharri]

A mother of a friend is in an nursing home and, to pass the time, they play nothing but board games.

"Any chess?" I asked."

No, we went private!" he replied.

 

[One Fan Clapping]

I think everyone carping on about @Lavinda Past's jokes should take a minute to reflect.

They're not his jokes. He did't make them up. He selflessly spends hours scouring his sources for them and each and every one is, no doubt, subject to a rigourous selection policy. Only those that measure up to LPs exacting standards actually make it on to BM.

Just let that sink in.

 

[bladdered]