Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

I asked my wife what she would like for a birthday present. She said she'd love something with diamonds.

So I bought her a pack of cards.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I bought some shirts from the army surplus store. The guy on the checkout told me that were actually used in battle

They were the casual tees of war

 

[Vienna_70]

A rag went on a hunting safari to Kenya.

One day, while his party was out in the jungle, a naked woman jumped out and shouted, "I’m game!"

So he shot her!

 

[Sam101]

Just joined a Ukranian dating site.



I've now got a chick in Kiev

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

A lorryload of Vicks Vapo Rub overturned on the M6 today.
There was no congestion for eight hours.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[LWashington]

His sister Fi is on tv and his brother Matt is coming along nicely.

This sounds like a rejected line from "John Kettley is a Weatherman".

 

[Lavinda Past]

Do you know the name if Sherlock Holmes' son?

What son?

No, that was his doctor.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

What do you get if you cross Christmas cracker jokes and Tim Vine’s pace of comedy?

Lavinda Past. ;-)

 

[Barcon]

What do you get if you cross Christmas cracker jokes and Tim Vine’s pace of comedy?

Lavinda Past. ;-)

Who is Tim Vine?

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

Who is Tim Vine?

Jeremy’s brother.

 

[ChicagoBlue]

Jeremy’s brother.

So, different branch of the family tree, then.

 

[ChicagoBlue]

View attachment 138252

Pedant Alert!!!

It was only 16 for Jake Paul!

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

So, different branch of the family tree, then.

Not U2, that’s Joshua…

 

[ChicagoBlue]

Not U2, that’s Joshua…

Ooh, Edge-y, but tres Bono!

 

[ChicagoBlue]

You’ve forgotten the punchline which is a fairly important part of a joke

The correct answer is ‘society’

How can you tell someone is a vegan within 1 minute of meeting them?

They tell you!

 

[oakiecokie]

What do you get if you cross Christmas cracker jokes and Tim Vine’s pace of comedy?

Lavinda Past. ;-)

I`ve seen Tim Vine live and believe me he`s far far ahead of Lavinda.

 

[balotellishaircut]

Teacher tells class “ make a sentence using the word dough “ Little Lucy raises her hand “in Italy they make pizza using special dough”

Very good say teacher, Little Sarah raises her hand “My brother makes dinosaurs out of play dough”

Excellent says teacher, Billy raises his hand “Our Mum says dad is a crap shag so she has to use a dill dough”.

 

[balotellishaircut]

Caught the wife masturbating to a Rowan Atkinson film earlier.

She loves a good Bean flick.