Joke thread

Local bookie gives a regular customer 10/1 that he can`t catch a fish and bring it to his high street shop by 5.00pm. Guy takes up the challenge and sticks £50 on.



Two minutes to five, guy bursts into the shop soaked to the skin and slams this massive flat fish down on the counter. "I done it, I done it", he yells to the till assistant, "Pay up"!



Bookie hears the commotion and come through from the back office and says to the assistant, "Don`t let it be said that Honest Joe doesn`t keep his word! Liz give Danny £150"!



"Wait a minute Joe", replies Danny, "You laid me £50 at 10/1, so that`s £550 I get not £150"!



"Listen son", replies the bookie, "Don`t you know the rules of betting? It`s a fifth the odds for a Plaice!"
 
Ourman said:
Or even when, at half time during a match, Roy Keane says he can only play in the second half if he gets a cortisone injection.

Dave pipes up "if he's getting a new car I want one too!"
Click to expand...
Or, during the first derby, after promotion under Joe Royle.

Dozy David kept going up to George Weah, putting a finger to his lips and saying shhh!, until the dog wanker pointed out that George was a Liberian, not a librarian.
 
Man walks into a brothel looking for a good time.

Prostitute: "it's £100 for a ride or £50 for a blowjob."

Man: That's way too expensive!

He turns to leave.

P: For £10 you can have a Penguin...

M: What's a Penguin?

P: No more questions, take it or leave it, £10 for a penguin.

The man thinks about it and decides that £10 is worth finding out the answer. He hands over the money and she takes him into another room.

She pulls down his pants and starts giving him the best blowjob he's ever had in his life. Right as he's about to finish, she stops and walks out of the room.

With his pants around his ankles and raging hard-on he waddles towards the door "hey, where are you going?!"
 
How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish.




Or, my all-time favourite Colemanball:

"It was close until the final bend, then Juantorena opened his legs and showed his class... "
 
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