Joke thread

A lion goes into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.

An old boy sitting in the corner says 'I can't believe I've just seen a lion asking for a gin and tonic'

The barman says 'Neither do I. He's always asked for a pint of bitter'.
 
Three friends married women from different parts of the world...

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

I was the third man. I married Margaret from Rochdale. I ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

The first day I didn't see anything, the second day I didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and I could see out of my left eye and my arm was healed enough so that I could fix myself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. I still have some difficulty when going for a piss though.
 
bladdered said:
Three friends married women from different parts of the world...

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

I was the third man. I married Margaret from Rochdale. I ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

The first day I didn't see anything, the second day I didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and I could see out of my left eye and my arm was healed enough so that I could fix myself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. I still have some difficulty when going for a piss though.
Click to expand...
Three couples in a Caribbean hotel on honeymoon, one American, one Canadian and the other English
At breakfast on the first morning, the American man said to his wife "pass me the sugar sugar"
The Canadian said to his wife "pass me the honey honey "
The English man said to his wife "pass me the milk yer fat cow"
 
Many years ago (late '70s) my cousin, Paul, was going out with a girl called Mary Waters.

On one particular occasion, I was in the car with them, and we drove past the Passmore Edwards memorial library in Camborne, Cornwall.

Paul said to Mary, "If he had the same surname as you, he’d be called Passmore Waters!"
 
Vienna_70 said:
Many years ago (late '70s) my cousin, Paul, was going out with a girl called Mary Waters.

On one particular occasion, I was in the car with them, and we drove past the Passmore Edwards memorial library in Camborne, Cornwall.

Paul said to Mary, "If he had the same surname as you, he’d be called Passmore Waters!"
Click to expand...
Reminds me of something I saw a few years ago, Carley Zucker (became Carley Cole after marrying Joe), was being filmed on a plane whilst still single and said "Oo it's that posh in first class they even personalise your sugar sachets ".
 
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