Away ground 'TOILET' comedy gold stories...

[LongsightM13]

My brother was at a wedding a couple of years ago, someone from his wife's work. Didn't really know anyoe there but said the best man's speech was the best he'd ever heard. One short story which stunned the crowd into silence.
Apparently the groom had to get the bus to work one day after a heavy session the night before meant he was still pissed in the morning and in no state to drive. His fiancee had thoughtfully made him a packed lunch to take to work.
The inevitable happened and he followed though on the bus and had to get off sharpish. By the time he made it into an alley he had completely shat himself and his undercrackers were flooded.
Anyway, in the absence of anything else, he had to wipe his arse with his sandwiches

 

[1_barry_conlon]

Golden Fleece(under the bridge) at Blackburn a few seasons back. Me and the boys are on a big session, when one fella decides to chance a shit ...clears all the coke heads out of trap one...drops trollies...when theres a bang on the door....

"hurry pal..Ricky Hattons dying for a dump" shouts some scrote

"Tell Ricky Hatton to fuck off" retorts my pal from in the cubicle

5 mins later mate unlocks the door and is greeted by Ricking Hatton trying to hold one in..promptly sticks out his unwashed hand...Ricky thinks about it before accepting and entering the stinking bog....

Belting story Billy.

Just remembered the shitters at the Gardners Arms near Maine Road too.

One cubicle. No seat. No paper. No lock.

You'd see people come in, close the door, think twice and come straight back out while you were pissing.

It was an art form securing the door in there which took many years to master. You had to serve an apprenticeship. But i would like to add i never entered for shitting purposes it was for, eeer, summat else!

Never had a shit at a ground during a match however i was at OT for a 'charidee event' once and veered off the beaten track searching for an appropriate area and ended up having a shit in a cupboard.

I'd dreamt of that day for years.

Fell asleep in the bog of the kippax though when i'd slipped in at half time during a game against Sheff Utd. Ended up waking at 5.30 to find the ground empty and no f'king idea what the score was!

 

[bluemonkey71]

Fcuking class,

Makes me remember when me and the missus were travelling in Asia, enough said, she actually carried loo roll in her backpack for the moment to arrive, which was inevitable given the diet.

I just used me hand and washed it in the water bucket.............

Once spent an entire flight from India to Bangkok in the aircraft bogs spraying oxtail soup out of my arse....the stewardess was banging on the door as we landed but I couldnt rise from the pot. Half an hour after the plane landed I was still in there.
Managed to get to my hotel where i was due to meet me pal next day before it started again...after several hours I was that fucked I just lay on the floor with with a towel under my arse. When my pal walked in next day he spewed up with the stench....first time I smiled in 48 hours....worse than any game of dutch ovens.

Fucking PMSL

 

[BillyMC]

My brother was at a wedding a couple of years ago, someone from his wife's work. Didn't really know anyoe there but said the best man's speech was the best he'd ever heard. One short story which stunned the crowd into silence.
Apparently the groom had to get the bus to work one day after a heavy session the night before meant he was still pissed in the morning and in no state to drive. His fiancee had thoughtfully made him a packed lunch to take to work.
The inevitable happened and he followed though on the bus and had to get off sharpish. By the time he made it into an alley he had completely shat himself and his undercrackers were flooded.
Anyway, in the absence of anything else, he had to wipe his arse with his sandwiches

Brown breads good for you

 

[m27]

Funniest thread I've EVER read on BM...

It's definitely up there with the Autoeroticasphyxiation (Strangle Wanking) one for me.

Billy's defo found his niche!

 

[Didsbury Dave]

It was an art form securing the door in there which took many years to master. You had to serve an apprenticeship. But i would like to add i never entered for shitting purposes it was for, eeer, summat else!

You're right Barry. The bog itself was too far from the lockless door to be able to position your body to hold it.

I, like you, was using it for "alternative" purposes.

 

[m27]

It was an art form securing the door in there which took many years to master. You had to serve an apprenticeship. But i would like to add i never entered for shitting purposes it was for, eeer, summat else!

You're right Barry. The bog itself was too far from the lockless door to be able to position your body to hold it.

I, like you, was using it for "alternative" purposes.

Wanking?

 

[Didsbury Dave]

Funniest thread I've EVER read on BM...

It's definitely up there with the Autoeroticasphyxiation (Strangle Wanking) one for me.

Billy's defo found his niche!

There was one about "messing yourself" where a lad told a tale about shitting the bed and moving the Mrs over to that side of the bed which was a cracker too.

Always the same faces on these type of thread.

Isn't it, m27?

 

[BillyMC]

You're right Barry. The bog itself was too far from the lockless door to be able to position your body to hold it.

I, like you, was using it for "alternative" purposes.

Wanking?

Its known as hitler wank when there no lock on the bog door....place left hand high on door and tug furiously with the right....better than getting caught, especially at work!

 

[Didsbury Dave]

You're right Barry. The bog itself was too far from the lockless door to be able to position your body to hold it.

I, like you, was using it for "alternative" purposes.

Wanking?

You got me. It was the barmaid in there who took me over the edge.

Barry knows who I'm on about.