Away ground 'TOILET' comedy gold stories...

[m27]

It's definitely up there with the Autoeroticasphyxiation (Strangle Wanking) one for me.

Billy's defo found his niche!

There was one about "messing yourself" where a lad told a tale about shitting the bed and moving the Mrs over to that side of the bed which was a cracker too.

Always the same faces on these type of thread.

Isn't it, m27?

Mmmm, you might have a point there. There's someone missing though.....PINKWHEELTRIM!!!! WHERE ART THOU?

 

[1_barry_conlon]

You're right Barry. The bog itself was too far from the lockless door to be able to position your body to hold it.

I, like you, was using it for "alternative" purposes.

Wanking?[/quote]


Have you been reading my diary again?<br /><br />-- Wed Aug 11, 2010 4:28 pm --<br /><br />

It's definitely up there with the Autoeroticasphyxiation (Strangle Wanking) one for me.

Billy's defo found his niche!

There was one about "messing yourself" where a lad told a tale about shitting the bed and moving the Mrs over to that side of the bed which was a cracker too.

Always the same faces on these type of thread.

Should that not be faeces?

Isn't it, m27?

 

[geoff hammond]

My last post on this thread - definitely


I once was an an all day session on a mates stag do and ended up at Bredbury Hall.


By about 4 in the morning i was at the stage where i was beyond pissed and now just tired and wanted my bed so i decided to leave for home. I went outside to get a taxi and there was a small queue of people but no taxis.

Straight away i realised i needed a dump so went to walk back inside the club.

A bouncer said "where the fcuk you going?"

"To use the loos"

"Your not coming back in"

"Jesus! you've just seen me walk out. I will be 5 minutes then i'm gone"

But there was no chance - they weren't letting me in.

After about 5 more minutes and no taxis i decided i had to go so i walked across the carpark to the woods beyond.

I had my crap and was wiping with some leaves when all of a sudden the dry earth beneath my feet started to give way and i started to slip down a slope towards the river Goyt.

At the last minute i managed to grab hold of the roots of a tree overhanging the river.

I couldnt believe it - 10 mins before i had been finishing my pint and now i was virtually hanging over a river with my trolleys around my ankles.

Because of my pants i couldnt use my legs to scramble back up the bank.

I thought i had two options.

Let go - drop in the river - and risk drowning with my pants around my ankles.

Or kick off my shoes and pants and go back to the taxi queue wearing just my shirt.

Somehow though i did eventually manage to scramble sideways across to an easier point and get back up the slope but it was a very relieved man who got back in the taxi queue covered in dirt.

-- Wed Aug 11, 2010 4:50 pm --

 

[danny21manc]

^

Bluemoon at its finest.

Quality day passing the time at work reading some of these posts.

 

[mattyc]

I was reliably informed last weekend that a certain England cricketer, having been caught short and being in a rush to catch his flight AND being on crutches, had a shit in a passport photo booth in an airport as it was closer than any of the toilets.

The same cricketer was also thrown off a plane for pissing himself once.

Don't know who you are talking about above, but ...

...there ought to be a thread devoted to professional sportsmen who have had "mishaps in the trouser department"!!

Robert Snodgrass, the Leeds United winger - on the pitch last season!

David Batty, Leeds and England midfielder - well-known incident on the pitch

Gary Lineker (no description required!) - playing for England

Frank Lampard ?

Cricketer David Prestwick (I think) - at the crease, Somerset

Racing driver David Coulthard - in the car

I bet there's loads!!

I have a great story about a copper caught short at old Trafford - may tell it later!

 

[Didsbury Dave]

I was reliably informed last weekend that a certain England cricketer, having been caught short and being in a rush to catch his flight AND being on crutches, had a shit in a passport photo booth in an airport as it was closer than any of the toilets.

The same cricketer was also thrown off a plane for pissing himself once.

Don't know who you are talking about above, but ...

...there ought to be a thread devoted to professional sportsmen who have had "mishaps in the trouser department"!!

Robert Snodgrass, the Leeds United winger - on the pitch last season!

David Batty, Leeds and England midfielder - well-known incident on the pitch

Gary Lineker (no description required!) - playing for England

Frank Lampard ?

Cricketer David Prestwick (I think) - at the crease, Somerset

Racing driver David Coulthard - in the car

I bet there's loads!!

I have a great story about a copper caught short at old Trafford - may tell it later!

How can you miss Paula Ratcliffe off that list?

Possibly the highest profile sporting poo in history.

 

[bluevengence]

Love it ...bluemoons finally found it`s level

 

[mattyc]

Don't know who you are talking about above, but ...

...there ought to be a thread devoted to professional sportsmen who have had "mishaps in the trouser department"!!

Robert Snodgrass, the Leeds United winger - on the pitch last season!

David Batty, Leeds and England midfielder - well-known incident on the pitch

Gary Lineker (no description required!) - playing for England

Frank Lampard ?

Cricketer David Prestwick (I think) - at the crease, Somerset

Racing driver David Coulthard - in the car

I bet there's loads!!

I have a great story about a copper caught short at old Trafford - may tell it later!

How can you miss Paula Ratcliffe off that list?

Possibly the highest profile sporting poo in history.

...true enough - and the most public!!

 

[Txiki Vimto]

...........Where I am up on Colin Bell tier 2 you don't even have to wipe the seat if you get in there before kickoff.

With the prices they'll be charging next year I'd expect you not to have to wipe your arse let alone the seat - they'll have someone to do that for you.

or beedays

 

[m27]

It's disappointing that I've not been able to contribute much to this thread but I've got loads of pissing stories. I'll start with my earliest one.

15 years of age and I went to a 'do' of some description at Patricroft Social Club. I got absolutely trashed on whiskey and Newcy Brown and was actually driven all the way home by a doorman who was not kean on a clearly underage lad falling all over the place outside the club.

I somehow managed to tell him my address and he got me home. There were no cars on the drive so it was obvious no-one was in but this didn't register at the time. Unfortunately, I'd lost my keys so I tried knocking on the front door. Problem was, I was that pissed every time I knocked on the door the force knocked me backwards, then it took me five minutes to get back up and knock again. This sequence of fuckwittery carried on for quite a period I think.

Anyway, my mum and dad eventually arrive home and I'm that pissed it's no time for bollockings they just want me in bed. So, they both got me up the stairs and then my Dad left my Mum with the job of undressing me and putting me in bed. She gets my coat, jumper, shoes and socks off no problem. Then it comes to my trousers....she 's managed to prop me up against a wardrobe and pulls my trousers and boxers down to my ankles in the same movement and gets on her knees in order to shift me on to the bed and then pull my trousers and boxers totally off and job's a good un.

Unfortunately, when my mum was on her knees in front of me I pissed in her face. Anyone else pissed on their Mum?