Away ground 'TOILET' comedy gold stories...

[geoff hammond]

I had a minor operation on my stomach in hospital once and a few days later the nurse said i was free to go as long as i had emptied my bowels. I lied to he and said i had so i could go.

Two days later i still hadn't crapped and it was now derby day at OT.

i decided to force it out before leaving for the match but was so constipated this turd was so massive only its head was peeping out after an hours trying. My lift then arrived so with no option i had to pull my keks up and go to the match mid shit.

About six hours later i got back home to finish off my dump. Painful as fcuk and we lost.

 

[Didsbury Dave]

Golden Fleece(under the bridge) at Blackburn a few seasons back. Me and the boys are on a big session, when one fella decides to chance a shit ...clears all the coke heads out of trap one...drops trollies...when theres a bang on the door....

"hurry pal..Ricky Hattons dying for a dump" shouts some scrote

"Tell Ricky Hatton to fuck off" retorts my pal from in the cubicle

5 mins later mate unlocks the door and is greeted by Ricking Hatton trying to hold one in..promptly sticks out his unwashed hand...Ricky thinks about it before accepting and entering the stinking bog....

Belting story Billy.

Just remembered the shitters at the Gardners Arms near Maine Road too.

One cubicle. No seat. No paper. No lock.

You'd see people come in, close the door, think twice and come straight back out while you were pissing.

 

[m27]

I had a minor operation on my stomach in hospital once and a few days later the nurse said i was free to go as long as i had emptied my bowels. I lied to he and said i had so i could go.

Two days later i still hadn't crapped and it was now derby day at OT.

i decided to force it out before leaving for the match but was so constipated this turd was so massive only its head was peeping out after an hours trying. My lift then arrived so with no option i had to pull my keks up and go to the match mid shit.

About six hours later i got back home to finish off my dump. Painful as fcuk and we lost.

Ah yes, the lesser spotted 'Hammer-Head Stool".

 

[Didsbury Dave]

I had a minor operation on my stomach in hospital once and a few days later the nurse said i was free to go as long as i had emptied my bowels. I lied to he and said i had so i could go.

Two days later i still hadn't crapped and it was now derby day at OT.

i decided to force it out before leaving for the match but was so constipated this turd was so massive only its head was peeping out after an hours trying. My lift then arrived so with no option i had to pull my keks up and go to the match mid shit.

About six hours later i got back home to finish off my dump. Painful as fcuk and we lost.

Ah yes, the lesser spotted 'Hammer-Head Stool".

Suffered one of those at University once. It was the size of a cannonball.

When women talk about pregnancy I always remember that.

 

[BrianW]

The bogs that I remember were the ones at Notts County when we were there in the Cup. I literally had to wade through a lake of piss to get near the urinals. So glad I had good, water-tight shoes on that day.

 

[es1]

What about Chesterfield? In that terrace there's a wall, no bogs, just a wall. I was pissed up so can't really remember seeing any cubicles anywhere, I needed a shit so it was either Squat against the wall or leave the ground and find somewhere else. Dilemma but I thought fuck it and braved it with clenched arse cheeks for the rest of a horrible horrible game as well, think we got beat 2-1. Had to run for the train aswell n had a knife pulled on me on the way back, god only knows how I didn't shit myself but I was touching cloth for about 2 hours.
Wouldn't like to have been the bog cleaner on the train that day.

i was going to bring this up

one of my first away days and the sight of the bog being a brick wall surprised me slightly!

 

[Didsbury Dave]

Spot the new football fan.

Open air pissers were common in the old terrace days. The Kippax had them.

You didn't need to clean them, especially in Manchester.

 

[LongsightM13]

The old Kippax, a second division night game against Hull.
On the way to the ground, I felt a bit ropey and had that horrible 'bubbling' sensation in the guts, but all was well until the second half, when I could feel a geyser of shit building up.
I legged it up the steps, down the tunnel and into the shitter. To my amazement, there was still a bit of bog roll left so I released what must have been a gallon of watery Bisto into the bog, and cleaned up with the last of the paper. I could hear cheering as Imre Varadi had apparently scored to put us one-up.
No sooner had I got back to my spot on the terrace though, when I felt a second wave of trouser tsunami began to force its way up, so had to leg it back up again. Repeated the process but then remembered all the bog roll had gone. Had to use my undercrackers and varadi scored again.
Had to walk home going commando, having missed both goals.

 

[mcfcliam]

Quality and potential classic thread.

Anyway, no, I don't have any stories as I don't tend to ever need a shit at football!

Although the 'toilets' at Saltergate are terrible, it's basically pissing up a wall & we lost that night as well.

Not the best night of my life.

 

[Didsbury Dave]

Did you cheer Varadi's goals from your perch on the shitter, Longsight?

I dont believe there is any man alive who has not gone home commando for that very reason, at some point in his life.