Away ground 'TOILET' comedy gold stories...

[Didsbury Dave]

Talking about urban myths and legends...the old one about Her Majesty the Queen dropping a turd whilst on board the Royal Yacht Britannia...team of Royal Navy frogdivers intercepted the aformentioned royal log, before drying it out and varnishing it. It was then mounted on a plaque in the officers mess.......make your own mind up about that one!

Kind of defeats the old adage that you cant polish a turd...clearly in this case you can.

I've got a story about shitting whilst sailing the seven seas, Billy.

Me and the Mrs went on a fishing trip once off the coast of Morocco. It wasn't serious fishing, you got a handline and then the staff cooked up the catch on the journey back.

Anyway, we'd just anchored and were all letting go our handlines down the side. Suddenly this wierd pink sort of explosion came rising up in the water to the side of the boat we were on. Everyone looked at each other, was it some sort of swarm of jellyfish or something? then what looked alarmingly like turds emerged from the pink cloud.

The mystery was immedaitely solved as the toilet door on the boat opened and an absolutely fit girl in her 20s emerged, cool as you like, to join in the fishing.

I don't think she knows to this day why everyone was looking at each other and trying not to laugh.

 

[.allan]

Not so much as story but try having irritable bowel syndrome at a football match doesn't matter what the facilities are like you will just go. Missed lots of football because of it.

Spending half hour in the pub toilet is rather funny though seen as nobody else can get in.

 

[bluevengence]

Some of the pig toilets in India take some beating....shit through an hole the pigs below eat shit then pork vindaloo for dinner.. and round it goes<br /><br />-- Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:28 pm --<br /><br />

Bit of long one , but bear with me....

Many years ago me and an old bird were in Cape Town and we met this cape coloured dude who offered to show us around the Khayelitsha township for the day. Not the sort of place for a blond bird and ginger nut to be wandering around in those days.
This fella picks us up in one of them bedford rascals and we head off deep into the township and he is explaining the different areas, where the coloureds live and where the blacks live etc
At this point we are driving around this place that looked like Benchill after a nuclear explosion when the Mrs suddenly declares she is touching cloth, drawing mud and about to explode in her knickers. There are no public toilets in the Cape Flats...trust me on that one.
Our "guide" declares no worries, stops the bedford rascal, jumps out and knocks on door of this shack and explains to the coloured family that a bird from England would like to use their facillities. They invite us all in and the mrs disappears out the back, whilst our hosts make a cup of tea and produce a choccy cake. Meanwhile all we can all hear is the misses farting and thrutching through the corrugated iron walls. I nearly died trying not to laugh....it went on for fucking ages I can tell u. Anyway she re emerges and no one bats an eyelid and we have a brew and slice of cake and spent about 2 hours there, before they took us to the local Shebeen for a few scoops.

Imagine that kind of hospitality in Wythenshawe.

PMSL

see what you started

 

[BillyMC]

Bit of long one , but bear with me....

Many years ago me and an old bird were in Cape Town and we met this cape coloured dude who offered to show us around the Khayelitsha township for the day. Not the sort of place for a blond bird and ginger nut to be wandering around in those days.
This fella picks us up in one of them bedford rascals and we head off deep into the township and he is explaining the different areas, where the coloureds live and where the blacks live etc
At this point we are driving around this place that looked like Benchill after a nuclear explosion when the Mrs suddenly declares she is touching cloth, drawing mud and about to explode in her knickers. There are no public toilets in the Cape Flats...trust me on that one.
Our "guide" declares no worries, stops the bedford rascal, jumps out and knocks on door of this shack and explains to the coloured family that a bird from England would like to use their facillities. They invite us all in and the mrs disappears out the back, whilst our hosts make a cup of tea and produce a choccy cake. Meanwhile all we can all hear is the misses farting and thrutching through the corrugated iron walls. I nearly died trying not to laugh....it went on for fucking ages I can tell u. Anyway she re emerges and no one bats an eyelid and we have a brew and slice of cake and spent about 2 hours there, before they took us to the local Shebeen for a few scoops.

Imagine that kind of hospitality in Wythenshawe.

Fcuking class,

Makes me remember when me and the missus were travelling in Asia, enough said, she actually carried loo roll in her backpack for the moment to arrive, which was inevitable given the diet.

I just used me hand and washed it in the water bucket.............

Once spent an entire flight from India to Bangkok in the aircraft bogs spraying oxtail soup out of my arse....the stewardess was banging on the door as we landed but I couldnt rise from the pot. Half an hour after the plane landed I was still in there.
Managed to get to my hotel where i was due to meet me pal next day before it started again...after several hours I was that fucked I just lay on the floor with with a towel under my arse. When my pal walked in next day he spewed up with the stench....first time I smiled in 48 hours....worse than any game of dutch ovens.

 

[the_invisible_man]

I was reliably informed last weekend that a certain England cricketer, having been caught short and being in a rush to catch his flight AND being on crutches, had a shit in a passport photo booth in an airport as it was closer than any of the toilets.

The same cricketer was also thrown off a plane for pissing himself once.

go on, who....

 

[BillyMC]

Talking about urban myths and legends...the old one about Her Majesty the Queen dropping a turd whilst on board the Royal Yacht Britannia...team of Royal Navy frogdivers intercepted the aformentioned royal log, before drying it out and varnishing it. It was then mounted on a plaque in the officers mess.......make your own mind up about that one!

Kind of defeats the old adage that you cant polish a turd...clearly in this case you can.

I've got a story about shitting whilst sailing the seven seas, Billy.

Me and the Mrs went on a fishing trip once off the coast of Morocco. It wasn't serious fishing, you got a handline and then the staff cooked up the catch on the journey back.

Anyway, we'd just anchored and were all letting go our handlines down the side. Suddenly this wierd pink sort of explosion came rising up in the water to the side of the boat we were on. Everyone looked at each other, was it some sort of swarm of jellyfish or something? then what looked alarmingly like turds emerged from the pink cloud.

The mystery was immedaitely solved as the toilet door on the boat opened and an absolutely fit girl in her 20s emerged, cool as you like, to join in the fishing.

I don't think she knows to this day why everyone was looking at each other and trying not to laugh.

Ahh the old moroccan brown salmon

 

[DaveB]

the best toilets must be burnley although not been for a long time, in fact it was a brick wall u just pissed against, good job didnt need a dump.

 

[BillyMC]

I was reliably informed last weekend that a certain England cricketer, having been caught short and being in a rush to catch his flight AND being on crutches, had a shit in a passport photo booth in an airport as it was closer than any of the toilets.

The same cricketer was also thrown off a plane for pissing himself once.

go on, who....

Ryan Sidebottom ...obvious really<br /><br />-- Wed Aug 11, 2010 3:39 pm --<br /><br />

I was reliably informed last weekend that a certain England cricketer, having been caught short and being in a rush to catch his flight AND being on crutches, had a shit in a passport photo booth in an airport as it was closer than any of the toilets.

The same cricketer was also thrown off a plane for pissing himself once.

go on, who....

Jonathan Trott?

 

[Didsbury Dave]

Ian Cack?

 

[BillyMC]

Ian Cack?

Craig Kieswetter?