Bluemoon joke competition

[bluetoby]

man goes to the doctors after being raped by an elephant. doctor says "funny that your ass is 10 inches wide when an elephants cock is only 3 inches wide."the man replies yes but the bastard fingered me first !!

 

[Chungo]

Two oranges walk into a bar, one says to the other "Your round"

I'll get my coat.

You sir... lose

 

[ali benarbia's studs]

a guy(mark) is invited over to meet the parents of his new girlfriend.he is sat down in the living room with the ol` man and things are going great and all.laughing and joking aswell as some serious talk makes mark feel more confident.
as the night goes on ,the daughter is helping her mum cook.the housepet enters the room.... whats his name asks mark.... "rover" replies the dad.so mark keeps rubbing rover trying to win over his affection - rubbing his neck and all.
the chat continues when mark feels alot to trapped wind gathering in his stumoch,such a faux pas as flatulence would be a horrible first impression.
but mark cant help himself as he lets one lil silent one slip.moments later smelling it the father goes ...Rover!!!! you little mutt!!!!
mark is red with embarrassment but delighted the dog "got the wrap for it".
they continue to talk when mark lets another one slip....the dog takes refuge under marks leg knowing the father is angry at him.....when marks latest SBD wreaks havoc with the father..... ROVER,get out!!!!!! ffs he mutters shaking his head.rover hugs marks legs in fear of the father,even dropping his head.
mark is slightly relieved when he desides to rid himself of the last of the trapped wind. ppppppppssssswurp!
then the father screams ROVER GET OUT QUICK!!!!!......before he shits on your head!!!!!



its an oldie :(

 

[Cake]

Little boy comes running into the kitchen....

'Mummy Mummy, Granny has a prawn'

'What on earth are you talking about' replies the Mum

The boy takes his mum into the living room where Granny is sleeping on the sofa and her dressing gown has fallen open.

Pointing at his her clitoris he says 'Told you she had a prawn'

'Thats your Grandmothers clitoris' whispers the Mum

To which the little boy replies...'Well it tasted like a prawn!'

OR

I found out last night my Gran made a porno back in the 60's. I don;t know what disgusted me more, the fact she made it or the fact I carried on wanking when I recognised her.

that first one is truly disgusting

how about...

Have you ever seen Stevie Wonders kids?

No? oh well, neither has he

...


Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?








So you can see its face when you are wanking


(horrible i know)

And you Sir, said my 1st was truly disgusting!!

Man and wife were driving home one night when suddenly a badger walks out infront of the car and gets hit. Husband stops the car and they both get out to see this badger lying stricken but just about alive on the verge, wife says they ought to get it to the vets so the wife picks it up and tells her hubby that the poor badger is freezing cold, 'Well stick it between your legs then' replies the hubby, 'but its wet, slimy and really stinks' says the wife, to which th husband says.... 'Well hold its fucking nose then'

 

[cityspud]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says “me feet are freezing mate could you nip upstairs and get me slippers for me”?“No bother” says murphy and nips upstairs, there he sees paddy’s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their bed.“hello girls” he says, “yer dad sent me upstairs to shag ya both”. “Fuck off ya liar” they say. “I’ll prove it” says murphy. he shouts down the stairs, “both of them paddy”?“Of course” paddy says, “what’s the use of fucking one!

 

[KolarovsLeftPeg]

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.

I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."

She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"

"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a shit."

Browser > Sickipedia > Copy and Paste ;)

 

[manchester blue]

Bloke goes to the doctor. "Do you treat alcoholics"?
"Of course", says the doctor.
"Well but me a pint then, I'm skint"!

 

[daisymcfc]

What do you call an Aardvark that beats up another Aardvark??


- A Well Aardvark!

:)

haha lol, :)

 

[jimharri]

A blonde and a brunette are talking in the office...
Blonde: I'm not feeling very well... I have a sore throat.
Brunette: When I have a sore throat, I give my husband a blow job... the next day, my throat is fine.
Blonde: Hmmm... interesting.
The next day...
Brunette: How's your throat?
Blonde: Fine... your idea was great! Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!
First heard at the hackney Empire, circa 1934.

Or

18 year old Susan asks her friend's dad if she can borrow the car.
Bloke: "Only if you suck my cock, Susan. You know the rules..."
Susan sighs and drops to her knees. The bloke whips his cock out and she gets to work. Instantly, she recoils in disgust.
SUSAN: "Eurrghh! It tastes like shit!"
Bloke: " Yeah well; your brother wanted to borrow twenty pounds..."

 

[manchester blue]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."