Bluemoon joke competition

Dave is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1976 football league cup final?"

"Manchester City," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Newcastle," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Dennis Tueart."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Manchester, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to American and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "An overhead kick."<br /><br />-- Wed Mar 31, 2010 1:09 pm --<br /><br />Dave is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1976 football league cup final?"

"Manchester City," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Newcastle," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Dennis Tueart."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Manchester, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to American and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "An overhead kick."
 
Twelve year old Johnny walked in on his father having vigorous sex with his mother. The father just winked and smiled at his son and kept on doing it. Johnny left the room. The next day young Johnny's father walked in on Johnny having vigorous sex with his grandmother. Johnny looked at this father and said, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"
 
******WARNING MAY OFFEND SOME PEOPLE*******

Little 4 year old Johnny wakes up on Christmas morning and runs down the stairs where he see's his mum and dad sitting. Johnny looks over to the tree and see's his presents.

The first he opens is a PS3 with 20 games and 2 controllers.
Johnny turns to his mum and dad and says "Mum, Dad, thanks, this is the best Christmas i could've hoped for."
His Dad turns to Johnny and says "There is more" and points to another present under the tree.

Johnny goes over and rips open the christmas wrap and opens a huge cardboard box to reveal a battery powered sit in Landrover.
Johnny turns to his mum and dad and says "Mum, Dad, thanks, this is the best Christmas i could've hoped for."
His Mum turns to Johnny and says "There is more" and points to another present under the tree.

Johnny goes over to what looks like a large pyramid shape and again opens the wrap. This time the opening reveals numerous collectables of Action Man, one of Johnny's favourite toys.
Johnny turns to his mum and dad and says "Mum, Dad, thanks, this is the best Christmas i could've hoped for."
His Dad turns to Johnny and says "There is more" and pulls an envelope from his dressing gown pocket and gives it to Johnny.

Johnny opens the envelope to reveal an all expenses paid 4 week holiday to Disneyland in Florida for the family.
Johnny turns to his mum and dad and says "Mum, Dad, thanks, this is the best Christmas i could've hoped for."

Next there is a knock at the door, Johnny runs over and opens the door. It's Tommy from across the road. Johnny says hello and asks Tommy what he got for Christmas. Tommy tells Johnny he got 1 Action Man and asks Johnny the same question.
Johnny reels off the "PS3 with 20 games and 2 controllers, collectable action man figures, a sit in battery powered Landrover and tickets for a 4 week holiday at Disneyland in Florida.

Tommy turns to Johnny and says, "You know Johnny you really are lucky, i wish i had Leukemia".
 
David Beckham stands naked looking at himself in the mirror and says to Posh, "Why do I always get a hard on when I look at myself ? "

Posh replies " Coz even your cock thinks your a Cnut!!! "


Two eggs boiling in a pan.
One says, I've got a huge crack.
The other replies, Stop teasing me, I'm not fucking hard yet.
 
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."



John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
 
whats worse than getting raped by jack the ripper?...........getting fingered by captain hook<br /><br />-- Wed Mar 31, 2010 10:45 pm --<br /><br />My bulemic neighbour accused me of harrassment today............ I'd only planted a Sycamore tree in the garden
 
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