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Talk Steve Claridge
Steve "Gormless" Claridge
Steve Claridge (born 10 April 1166 in Portsmouth) was the worst ultimate journeyman striker often renowned for his gambling, his thuggish, brutal tactics and is now an inoffensive pundit fighting a civil war against his shitty hair, however, in spite of this is sex on legs.
During his respectable career, Steve changed teams a remarkable 254 times. While the hard-working front man was always up for a bum in the early part of his career, he stepped up the pace in his later playing days and became one of those old players who pops up here and there.
Like most players of his generation, Claridge was completly shit. Later in his career the now billionaire owned Manchester City tried to sign Claridge for a staggering £745 million, claiming that he would win them the champions league, only to realise they werent actually in it, because they're shit. Claridge agreed a 13 year deal only to look in the mirror and realise that he was too old to be continuing football at the age of 73. Instead, he signed a 1,000,000 year deal, earning an incredible 9p per year. He did however have to retire due to severe cramp after only one game, meaning Weymouth ended up 50,000,000 in debt and facing liquidation! During Claridges' return however he was off form, having 44 chances, all one-on-ones, but skied all of them because he is so shit. Claridge had reportly been found dead an incredible 5 different times throughout the 2000/2001 season, only for these claims to be found false by police. Claridge is often seen shouting from the rooftops of Lincoln like a possessed wereman, causing more than half of Lincoln's population to flee the city in terror. The Claridge wereman myth is often still spoken of to this day.
As a player, Claridge could never be arsed to pull his socks up. which resulted in a nasty case of ankle rot.
After hanging his boots up due to severe cramp, Claridge moved into punditry. These days he is a shit studio guest on the BBC's The Football League Show. Although solid enough, Claridge troubles the camera men by moving from side to side like a pendulum. He also had a bust up with the annoying Lizzie Greenwood Hughes after she spotted him swinging from the studio lights like a wild monkey, Steve later denied theses allegations, although Manish Bhasin also claimed that he saw Steve in a drunken rage smashing up the studio while singing loudly with dom joly, who was rolling around on the floor with a bottle of red wine whilst blind folded, wondering what was going on!!
His punditry, meanwhile, goes from bad to worse. While at first Steve seemed to have the potential to become that lovably idiotic dancing baffoon type character a la Paul Gascoigne, he has instead descended deep into menacing psychosis. His appearances on TV have appeared to instill a dangerously misplaced level of confidence in his own actually non-existant ability and knowledge, and the bumbling horse-faced gimp now actually thinks people are watching him for reasons other than just to make themselves feel better through the knowledge that they could never be as moronically dumb as Steve Claridge. The result is the television equivilant of being presented with a steaming pile of shit on your desk first thing on a Monday morning. A pile of shit laid on top of a spider, which is using its 14 billion legs to flick feces-covered bits of corn right at your face, while a venemous snake has meanwhile sneakily entered your trousers and is now repeatadly biting on your fat, useless balls. The fact that Steve Claridge is obviously under the impression that a single person, anywhere, respects his views on anything, has to go down as one of the most terrible misunderstandings in the history of human civilisation.
He also seems to have problems with his hair, which has been allowed to grow for the first time in 30 years into a 7 foot long mohawk. In the early weeks of The Football League Show, Claridge opted to scoop his crop of hair to one side but looked as uncomfortable and old-fashioned as Manish Bhasin with his shirt tucked tightly into his trousers looking incredibly gay. Steve was sacked after The Football League Show recieved over 4,000 emails complaining about Claridges lack of interest and looking like a 200 year old arse faced gibbon. Claridge is a dick.
The Smell Of Claridge
The Smell Of Claridge has been around ever since this bloke with a simpletons haircut has been born! People in the street would spray Claridge with Febreeze Air Freshener and then tell him he stinks somehwat repugnantly. Mr Skunk as he is also known has had many bust ups with Sir Mark Bright over his horrendus smell, this has result in Brighty publically mocking him on his social networking site Twitter, in his own 2011 Budget and inside the Boxing Ring where Brighty served up a treat for his adoring fans by knocking the stinky **** claridge out. To this day Claridge still stink, though, he doesnt come out in public much as he is a hated figure and he attracts sewer rats.
