Depression

[BLUEYESTU]

I’d been thinking long and hard about posting about my depression, I thought maybe to bump the ‘let’s talk’ thread and put it on there...
I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression since my teens and am now 50. I take my medication (Venlafaxine 225mg) and have had periods of good highs and terrible lows. At the moment I’m in a trough so deep that I’m terrified I’ll never get out. My marriage is ending (my third but the first woman I’ve truly loved) and it’s incredibly hard to accept. The house has to be sold and then I’m going to have to rent as we have no money as such and I earn £20k a year so a mortgage is off the table. It terrifies me thinking I’m going to have to try and survive on my wage and paying close to £600 a month rent. Add to that my dad is slowly dying from Parkinson’s. He can’t walk or feed himself, he is incontinent at both ends and then cries because he’s so embarrassed, my mum is refusing outside carers and trying to care for him herself driving herself towards a stroke or heart attack. She rings me telling me how hard they are finding it all and I just feel so helpless and a shit son cos I’m not able to be there and help.
I spend all my time worrying about them or how I’m going to survive and rebuild my life in the new year and it’s made me an absolute mess! I can’t eat, if I sleep I have nightmares, I’ve been drinking too much (recently got control of that) and I can’t control my emotions any more. I cry at the slightest thing, my hands shake so bad I can barely take patients bloods at work and the thought that keeps whirling round my head is “life wasn’t supposed to be this way!” Ten years ago when I met my wife I thought “that’s it, I’ve finally found the one I was hoping to meet and life will finally be good”.

Depression is like a really heavy, cold and black blanket that’s been thrown over me and I just can’t get it off me. I’ve lost interest in football, music, everything really. I’ve even been wishing I could catch Covid just so it could all end. How shameful is that?!

 

[BlueNirvana]

I’d been thinking long and hard about posting about my depression, I thought maybe to bump the ‘let’s talk’ thread and put it on there...
I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression since my teens and am now 50. I take my medication (Venlafaxine 225mg) and have had periods of good highs and terrible lows. At the moment I’m in a trough so deep that I’m terrified I’ll never get out. My marriage is ending (my third but the first woman I’ve truly loved) and it’s incredibly hard to accept. The house has to be sold and then I’m going to have to rent as we have no money as such and I earn £20k a year so a mortgage is off the table. It terrifies me thinking I’m going to have to try and survive on my wage and paying close to £600 a month rent. Add to that my dad is slowly dying from Parkinson’s. He can’t walk or feed himself, he is incontinent at both ends and then cries because he’s so embarrassed, my mum is refusing outside carers and trying to care for him herself driving herself towards a stroke or heart attack. She rings me telling me how hard they are finding it all and I just feel so helpless and a shit son cos I’m not able to be there and help.
I spend all my time worrying about them or how I’m going to survive and rebuild my life in the new year and it’s made me an absolute mess! I can’t eat, if I sleep I have nightmares, I’ve been drinking too much (recently got control of that) and I can’t control my emotions any more. I cry at the slightest thing, my hands shake so bad I can barely take patients bloods at work and the thought that keeps whirling round my head is “life wasn’t supposed to be this way!” Ten years ago when I met my wife I thought “that’s it, I’ve finally found the one I was hoping to meet and life will finally be good”.

Depression is like a really heavy, cold and black blanket that’s been thrown over me and I just can’t get it off me. I’ve lost interest in football, music, everything really. I’ve even been wishing I could catch Covid just so it could all end. How shameful is that?!

I dont know you but i love you stay strong man

 

[Nebuchadnezzar]

I’d been thinking long and hard about posting about my depression, I thought maybe to bump the ‘let’s talk’ thread and put it on there...
I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression since my teens and am now 50. I take my medication (Venlafaxine 225mg) and have had periods of good highs and terrible lows. At the moment I’m in a trough so deep that I’m terrified I’ll never get out. My marriage is ending (my third but the first woman I’ve truly loved) and it’s incredibly hard to accept. The house has to be sold and then I’m going to have to rent as we have no money as such and I earn £20k a year so a mortgage is off the table. It terrifies me thinking I’m going to have to try and survive on my wage and paying close to £600 a month rent. Add to that my dad is slowly dying from Parkinson’s. He can’t walk or feed himself, he is incontinent at both ends and then cries because he’s so embarrassed, my mum is refusing outside carers and trying to care for him herself driving herself towards a stroke or heart attack. She rings me telling me how hard they are finding it all and I just feel so helpless and a shit son cos I’m not able to be there and help.
I spend all my time worrying about them or how I’m going to survive and rebuild my life in the new year and it’s made me an absolute mess! I can’t eat, if I sleep I have nightmares, I’ve been drinking too much (recently got control of that) and I can’t control my emotions any more. I cry at the slightest thing, my hands shake so bad I can barely take patients bloods at work and the thought that keeps whirling round my head is “life wasn’t supposed to be this way!” Ten years ago when I met my wife I thought “that’s it, I’ve finally found the one I was hoping to meet and life will finally be good”.

Depression is like a really heavy, cold and black blanket that’s been thrown over me and I just can’t get it off me. I’ve lost interest in football, music, everything really. I’ve even been wishing I could catch Covid just so it could all end. How shameful is that?!

You've had an absolute shitload on your plate and i'm pleased you were able to put it into words on here.

 

[somapop]

I’d been thinking long and hard about posting about my depression, I thought maybe to bump the ‘let’s talk’ thread and put it on there...
I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression since my teens and am now 50. I take my medication (Venlafaxine 225mg) and have had periods of good highs and terrible lows. At the moment I’m in a trough so deep that I’m terrified I’ll never get out. My marriage is ending (my third but the first woman I’ve truly loved) and it’s incredibly hard to accept. The house has to be sold and then I’m going to have to rent as we have no money as such and I earn £20k a year so a mortgage is off the table. It terrifies me thinking I’m going to have to try and survive on my wage and paying close to £600 a month rent. Add to that my dad is slowly dying from Parkinson’s. He can’t walk or feed himself, he is incontinent at both ends and then cries because he’s so embarrassed, my mum is refusing outside carers and trying to care for him herself driving herself towards a stroke or heart attack. She rings me telling me how hard they are finding it all and I just feel so helpless and a shit son cos I’m not able to be there and help.
I spend all my time worrying about them or how I’m going to survive and rebuild my life in the new year and it’s made me an absolute mess! I can’t eat, if I sleep I have nightmares, I’ve been drinking too much (recently got control of that) and I can’t control my emotions any more. I cry at the slightest thing, my hands shake so bad I can barely take patients bloods at work and the thought that keeps whirling round my head is “life wasn’t supposed to be this way!” Ten years ago when I met my wife I thought “that’s it, I’ve finally found the one I was hoping to meet and life will finally be good”.

Depression is like a really heavy, cold and black blanket that’s been thrown over me and I just can’t get it off me. I’ve lost interest in football, music, everything really. I’ve even been wishing I could catch Covid just so it could all end. How shameful is that?!

Sorry to hear all this mate but I bet you're way stronger than you're currently feeling.

I'm in a similar trough tbf but I know when I come out of it I'll have these new 'super powers' (and without being facetious I really mean priceless life skills).
When the clouds eventually lift we'll be far more empathetic people, if a little battle bruised.

I'm definitely in the treading water stage (and I've written about my troubles over the past couple of years).

The thing that's really helping me (as much as possible) is having a good network of friends (and I count this amazing forum as part of that); being genuinely nice and caring to others (the empathy)...not that I see many others at the moment; long walks (and runs for me) even if it's dark out there (dark woods have no fear once you've traversed your own dark woods).

Miss my kids quite a lot and the ex has a new guy move in to the old family home (where the kids still live).
Mum lives 60 odd miles away and has early onset dementia. Thought I'd live living in a flat...but it's pretty lonely and I'm someone who likes refurbishing my own places.

It's a lesson in holding on tight and using as many tricks as you can until it blows over (which it will).

Keep at it mate...keep on talking on here and feel free to PM me any time.

 

[Bigga]

I’d been thinking long and hard about posting about my depression, I thought maybe to bump the ‘let’s talk’ thread and put it on there...
I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression since my teens and am now 50. I take my medication (Venlafaxine 225mg) and have had periods of good highs and terrible lows. At the moment I’m in a trough so deep that I’m terrified I’ll never get out. My marriage is ending (my third but the first woman I’ve truly loved) and it’s incredibly hard to accept. The house has to be sold and then I’m going to have to rent as we have no money as such and I earn £20k a year so a mortgage is off the table. It terrifies me thinking I’m going to have to try and survive on my wage and paying close to £600 a month rent. Add to that my dad is slowly dying from Parkinson’s. He can’t walk or feed himself, he is incontinent at both ends and then cries because he’s so embarrassed, my mum is refusing outside carers and trying to care for him herself driving herself towards a stroke or heart attack. She rings me telling me how hard they are finding it all and I just feel so helpless and a shit son cos I’m not able to be there and help.
I spend all my time worrying about them or how I’m going to survive and rebuild my life in the new year and it’s made me an absolute mess! I can’t eat, if I sleep I have nightmares, I’ve been drinking too much (recently got control of that) and I can’t control my emotions any more. I cry at the slightest thing, my hands shake so bad I can barely take patients bloods at work and the thought that keeps whirling round my head is “life wasn’t supposed to be this way!” Ten years ago when I met my wife I thought “that’s it, I’ve finally found the one I was hoping to meet and life will finally be good”.

Depression is like a really heavy, cold and black blanket that’s been thrown over me and I just can’t get it off me. I’ve lost interest in football, music, everything really. I’ve even been wishing I could catch Covid just so it could all end. How shameful is that?!

You know what, bud, there are elements that are strikingly similar to my last few weeks of rollercoaster, including the wish to catch COVID and have took chances in that thought process. My marriage was a sham and I have PTSD from an incident within it and my confidence has been knocked, but she gets to move on. Being off my meds has actually peeled away the veneer I put on my marriage and I felt there was no way out, crying all the time, but stupidly I still love this person. I have so much mental trauma from this woman; the screaming constant arguments and abusive racial language directed at me and my family and I put up with it as I had my boys to think about.

Well, today my daughter came back to me after my ex divided us, years ago. Boy, did I weep!! She'd heard I wasn't doing well. If I get my shit together I may yet get to walk her down the aisle!

So, what I'm saying mate is as fricking dark as it seems now, go hour to hour, cry if you have to; just let it out. It's not about 'being tough', your life is crumbling, so it's okay to grieve for it. Take 5 mins for yourself if you have to. It WILL get less dark, even if I don't use the term 'better'.

Just make it to the next hour and then day and the next and the next.

We may not agree on things outside of this thread, but in here, I've got your back, bro.

You keep posting and I will, too.

 

[BLUEYESTU]

You know what, bud, there are elements that are strikingly similar to my last few weeks of rollercoaster, including the wish to catch COVID and have took chances in that thought process. My marriage was a sham and I have PTSD from an incident within it and my confidence has been knocked, but she gets to move on. Being off my meds has actually peeled away the veneer I put on my marriage and I felt there was no way out, crying all the time, but stupidly I still love this person. I have so much mental trauma from this woman; the screaming constant arguments and abusive racial language directed at me and my family and I put up with it as I had my boys to think about.

Well, today my daughter came back to me after my ex divided us, years ago. Boy, did I weep!! She'd heard I wasn't doing well. If I get my shit together I may yet get to walk her down the aisle!

So, what I'm saying mate is as fricking dark as it seems now, go hour to hour, cry if you have to; just let it out. It's not about 'being tough', your life is crumbling, so it's okay to grieve for it. Take 5 mins for yourself if you have to. It WILL get less dark, even if I don't use the term 'better'.

Just make it to the next hour and then day and the next and the next.

We may not agree on things outside of this thread, but in here, I've got your back, bro.

You keep posting and I will, too.

Just got up for work after another night of nightmares; writing my post before trying to go to sleep probably wasn’t the best thing to settle my brain....
But the responses I’ve had have really given me a lift so thank you all!

 

[FantasyIreland]

Just got up for work after another night of nightmares; writing my post before trying to go to sleep probably wasn’t the best thing to settle my brain....
But the responses I’ve had have really given me a lift so thank you all!

Take care pal,you have done great to let off some steam......always speak to someone,there is always a shoulder!

 

[ZenHalfTimeCrock]

I am also going through a rough patch due to enforced retirement, chronic ill health and lacking a sense of direction since I stopped working.

Try meditation

Very sorry to read some of the most recent posts on here.

BLUEYESTU, you seem to have an awful lot on your plate right, a kind of tsunami of adverse life events. Anyone would find it difficult to deal with your present circumstances, I reckon. So it's important to cut yourself some slack and not be excessively self-accusatory on top of everything else.

I would also definitely have a word with your GP about what's been going on. If you can't see them personally, a telephone consultation should be possible. Perhaps an adjustment to the dosage of your medication might be required. They might also be able to prescribe a short course of something to help with the insomnia.

Moving on, the reason I am I back here and quoting myself is because I'm now doing a bit better. Not great (I'm not turning cartwheels or anything). Just better.

Many years ago I developed very severe tinnitus and became suicidal with it. What got me beyond that was taking up the practice of Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), which is a form of meditation. There's a standard 8 week programme that is described in the relevant literature.

It took me three attempts to get to the end of the eight weeks, by which time the practice has usually become established. What got me to turn the corner was that there was a moment when I began to distance myself from the habitual clusters of thoughts and emotions surrounding tinnitus, to not identify with them quite so closely or be overwhelmed by them. And from then on things got better (not the tinnitus, just my ability to manage it).

Fast forward to a year ago and the emergence of other chronic symptoms plus retirement derailed everything once again. One consequence of this is that I started to drink heavily at times.

I don't want to overstate things but in the last few weeks I have got things back on track by re-establishing a daily MBCT practice again.

Don't want to make this reply too long so I'll just state that that MBCT is not snake oil. It has been approved for clinical practice by NICE. As far as I know, the practice is not incompatible with taking SSRI's (though I never did).

It can be self-taught from a cheap paperback. So here are links to some of the best publications. I have read all of them and can couch for them.

Mindfulness and depression



Mindfulness and anxiety



Mindfulness and self-compassion (with a section on insomnia)



Any one of the above should help, though the first title is the best one.

The 8 week programme is set out in the most detail here:



My older edition looks more at chronic pain. I just applied the protocol to tinnitus. It also has a brief section on insomnia.

One last thing: I am definitely not evangelical about this approach. It's not a panacea. But I have immersed myself very deeply in the literature. The titles I have mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg.

With one or two caveats, I am personally convinced that it can be clinically effective. Plus, the method is clearly explained in inexpensive paperbacks. So you don't have to pay a counsellor or wait for 18 months on the NHS to bet to see one.

My GP is also supportive. He practises something that, in Japanese, is called 'shikantaza'. To cut to the chase, shikantaza is probably best described as a stripped down, no frills form of mindfulness.

Anyway, hope this post helps in some way.

 

[Saddleworth2]

I’d been thinking long and hard about posting about my depression, I thought maybe to bump the ‘let’s talk’ thread and put it on there...
I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression since my teens and am now 50. I take my medication (Venlafaxine 225mg) and have had periods of good highs and terrible lows. At the moment I’m in a trough so deep that I’m terrified I’ll never get out. My marriage is ending (my third but the first woman I’ve truly loved) and it’s incredibly hard to accept. The house has to be sold and then I’m going to have to rent as we have no money as such and I earn £20k a year so a mortgage is off the table. It terrifies me thinking I’m going to have to try and survive on my wage and paying close to £600 a month rent. Add to that my dad is slowly dying from Parkinson’s. He can’t walk or feed himself, he is incontinent at both ends and then cries because he’s so embarrassed, my mum is refusing outside carers and trying to care for him herself driving herself towards a stroke or heart attack. She rings me telling me how hard they are finding it all and I just feel so helpless and a shit son cos I’m not able to be there and help.
I spend all my time worrying about them or how I’m going to survive and rebuild my life in the new year and it’s made me an absolute mess! I can’t eat, if I sleep I have nightmares, I’ve been drinking too much (recently got control of that) and I can’t control my emotions any more. I cry at the slightest thing, my hands shake so bad I can barely take patients bloods at work and the thought that keeps whirling round my head is “life wasn’t supposed to be this way!” Ten years ago when I met my wife I thought “that’s it, I’ve finally found the one I was hoping to meet and life will finally be good”.

Depression is like a really heavy, cold and black blanket that’s been thrown over me and I just can’t get it off me. I’ve lost interest in football, music, everything really. I’ve even been wishing I could catch Covid just so it could all end. How shameful is that?!

Bloody hell mate that’s a lot going on. You are bloody strong though and holding down a job from the sound of it. That takes tremendous strength and determination when you are feeling the way you are. As others say, it will pass mate and life will feel better. Just hang in there for now. You have a great many friends through this forum.

 

[give it to gordon]

The beauty of this thread you can just come in here and write/talk, get it of your chest no one is here to judge you.

Like others have said at the time you cant see the light, but hang in there.

Depression hit me after I came through my dark period, within 7 years I lost both parents, my job for 22 yrs, my marriage of 20 yrs. At the time I thought my way, cried alot and had a very short fuse.

But I hung in remarried to a fantastic lady who let's be go every home game if I want which means mostly a whole weekend :), and is great with my kids who now both live with us.

But once I was settled, this February I started feel depressed but I didnt know it. I started to hear voices, sounds scary but I just thought it was ghosts etc.
Went and saw the doc and work organised counciling. It seemed once I was settled all the things I had 'dealt' with came flooding out.

So hang in there buddy things will get better, I tried anything to help and I dont know if it worked or not but I used Bach Flower Remedies, for depression and anxiety just 4 drops in a brew or water. Plus replaced my light bulbs to the 'sad' light bulbs. Does it work I dont know but it seemed to make me feel better.

Stay strong everyone and dont be afraid to cry , I cry at anything nowadays, from a song to tv programme even 'Toy Story'. It just happens no warning lol