Friday Jokes!!

An older chap marries his Thai bride,
on their wedding night the bride will not stop stroking his cock
the chap says "do you really like my cock so much"
the thai thai bride says " No I just really miss mine"
 
No wonder you are single Ben !

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping
through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby.' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though.' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear.' says the other.

'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too.' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18', she whispers.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'

He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they.'
 
Three blokes were in a lap dancing club watching a very busty blonde gyrating on the pole. The lad from London put £20 on the girl's right buttock. Not to be outdone the lad from Bristol put a £50 note on her right buttock. The guy from Glasgow walked up, swiped his Visa card down the crack of her arse and took the £70 cashback.
 
Not very PC... but funny nevertheless.

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking willpower'
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A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror' No she said 'but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower'.
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Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday.
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I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '
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A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat woman, you'll lose it eventually '
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Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'
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Recession beater -
Wife says to husband ' if you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car' Husband replies ' if you'd take it up the ar*e & let me cum on your face we could get rid of the nanny!'
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One of life's great mysteries -
How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FU**ING DAYLIGHT?
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Marriage councellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce....... ' Tell me something both of you have in common ' Husband after a long awkward silence ' Well neither of us sucks co*k '
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Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'
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I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
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Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
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