Funniest/wittiest replies to a question

[mancboy]

She may have been confused if the clocks had just gone back. Or forward come to think of it.

midday is the same regardless of the clocks, 12 o clock is always the same surely?

 

[Tuearts right boot]

midday is the same regardless of the clocks, 12 o clock is always the same surely?

midday is the same regardless of the clocks, 12 o clock is always the same surely?

You'd have thought so.....

 

[mancboy]

You'd have thought so.....

I think its a pitfall of working with the public , every time you think you've been asked the stupidest thing you will ever get asked somebody tops it and you just look aghast thinking how on earth do you get dressed in the morning without hurting yourself

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

Just a few days ago, when out riding my bike, some nob-head driver decided that priority traffic bollards didn't apply to him. I had to pull over to avoid him, he decided to wind down his window and shouted out "****". I shouted back, "I've been called the same"

 

[Brightwell’s left peg]

I was driving into the US from Canada to play golf. At the border the US border officer asked me if I was bringing anything into the US that I wouldn’t be taking back.

“About a dozen golf balls” I said, quite happy with myself and much to the amusement of my mates.

It was wasted though…I just got a shitty look and silence until I said…”no nothing”. Miserable cnut.

 

[Mr Fraser]

Lady astor? To winston Churchill - if you were my husband I would put poison in your coffee. To which he replied - if I was married to you I would drink it

 

[Winchester]

Gordon Strachan, was asked by a reporter, for a "quick word".
Wee Gordon, replied - velocity...

I liked the one where a journo asked him was he the right man to lead Celtic to glory
He looked into the Camera and seriously
Said
"No!"

 

[Koniec]

 

[crublue1]

I remember granada reports doing a piece on petrol prices, many years ago. They were stopping motorists as they drove off the forecourt, and asking for comments.
They stopped this one fella, and asked him if he was concerned that this particular station had the highest prices in the area.
His reply was priceless.
"Not really, seeing as I own it"

 

[Stephen230]

Norwegian reporter live on TV : Have you a message for all your fans in Norway, Paul ?

Paul Gascoigne: Yeah, fuck off Norway.

 

[Xhavenjoe]

Benny Hill sketch:

Are you a newspaper reporter?

Yes, I'm Brown from the Sun

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

 

[Zubrman]

I used to work in the Non Food warehouse of a large cash & carry. One day the Food side was having a stock-take and had requested some help from our side.

My manager told me to go round and let myself be known to the Food side's manager. I went over, found him and said I'd been sent to help out.

"Where's the rest of yer?" he asked.

"Underneath me overalls!" I said.

 

[Protein Junkie]

Man in Nightclub “ can I have a dance with you?”
Woman “ my husband is over there”
Man “I don’t want to dance with him”

 

[Uncle Wally One Ball]

Norwegian reporter live on TV : Have you a message for all your fans in Norway, Paul ?

Paul Gascoigne: Yeah, fuck off Norway.

Yes that is indeed witty....

 

[supercity88]

I remember being a kid and some family from Canada were over visiting. One of them said to me "so which side of the road do you drive on over here" to which I replied "both".

It would have been witty if I wasn't an idiot.

 

[bluechippie]

Soldiers on parade, Sergeant Major stops and prods one of the lads with his stick."There's a **** on the end of this stick" barks the sergeant,the private replies "It's not this end sir"

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

A clearly nervous passenger, about to board her plane, asked me if these planes crash often. I replied "Only once madam". Perhaps not the most helpful or reassuring reply.

 

[denislawsbackheel]

Was at a Library theatre ( remember that?) matinee years ago.
It was full of coach loads of oldies.
At the interval one old dear was walking out then as she got to the curtain slowly slid to the floor.
I ran over to help her and couldn’t resist asking her
“Who do you think you are, Tommy Cooper”?

 

[discopop]

One of the best comebacks on the cricket pitch.

Australia plucked out Zimbabwe’s ninth wicket at 120 and in walked Eddo Brandes. The game was all but won by Australia but Eddo wasn’t going down wondering and he decided to play his shots. A few minutes later, Glenn McGrath, the Australian pacer, casually asked Eddo, ”Why are you so fat?”

Eddo Brandes, the Zimbabwean bowler, didn’t miss the opportunity and quickly replied, “Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit.” Even Glenn McGrath was stunned by that snorter of a reply by Eddo. Interestingly, McGrath wasn’t married at the time. He married his first wife Jane in 1999.