Funniest/wittiest replies to a question

Army morning parade the battery Sgt Major inspecting the troops before the day starts and walks up and down the line tutting humming and ahhing.

Stops at a lad well known for his down town exploits and says..

"Are you still seeing that slag?"

To which the lad replied.

"Are you still married to yours sir ".
 
Back in the bad (good?) old days of the mid-late 90s, we were at the game at Grimsby. About 20 mins before kick-off an announcement came over the tannoy asking all the City fans to move down the aisle and take a seat, so people coming into the away end could get in.

This young steward, trying to make a few quid that day and with a hi-viz jacket on over his Nirvana t-shirt, comes up to these two blokes who were stood next to us and says ‘can you shufty down a bit fellas and take a seat?’. One of the guys, a proper Shaun Ryder type, turns to look at the kid, takes drag on his fag out the back of his hand and says “Don’t tell me to sit down you scruffy ****. Go an’ get yer fuckin’ hair cut” and turns back around to carry on his conversation with his mate. The kid just looked around and walked off, a bit like Spike Milligan at the end of this scene in The Life Of Brian.

 
roman totale said:
Back in the bad (good?) old days of the mid-late 90s, we were at the game at Grimsby. About 20 mins before kick-off an announcement came over the tannoy asking all the City fans to move down the aisle and take a seat, so people coming into the away end could get in.

This young steward, trying to make a few quid that day and with a hi-viz jacket on over his Nirvana t-shirt, comes up to these two blokes who were stood next to us and says ‘can you shufty down a bit fellas and take a seat?’. One of the guys, a proper Shaun Ryder type, turns to look at the kid, takes drag on his fag out the back of his hand and says “Don’t tell me to sit down you scruffy ****. Go an’ get yer fuckin’ hair cut” and turns back around to carry on his conversation with his mate. The kid just looked around and walked off, a bit like Spike Milligan at the end of this scene in The Life Of Brian.

Click to expand...

Well, I'd say the 'Shaun Ryder type' showed himself to be a bit of a **** then. Honestly, who'd be a fucking steward?
 
Back in the mists of time I had a management role in a call centre. One of the staff took a call from a gentleman who was asked his name as part of the security protocol. On supplying what was clearly a foreign name, the adviser, in an attempt to make conversation, said, 'Interesting name. Where's that from?' (obviously meaning the country of origin) to which, after a long pause, the caller replied 'My dad!'.
 
It seemed like a good idea at the time but in retrospect it didn’t do my career much good.

The Principal at the agricultural college where I worked came very much from a ruminant science background and especially dairying. I looked after the food science interests of the college.

One day a nutritional report had suggested cutting back on consumption of dairy products and increasing cereal products.

Our Principal commented “So they want us to eat more bread and less butter, how are we supposed to do that?”

Quick as a flash I replied “Cut the bread thicker!”

His response was “Humph!”, as he stormed off.
 
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sometimes the question is that stupid it requires a smartass answer i had a middle aged woman ask me what time midday was this week.
 
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