Funniest/wittiest replies to a question

[Nascent Blues]

I was helping out in a Year 8 art class over a decade ago at a school in Salford, when a teacher praised a kid's work. Another lad call Joe, on hearing the praise, shouted to the teacher: "Miss, I'm ambidextrous me." Obviously impressed, the teacher asked: "Are you Joe?" He then replied: "Yeah. I can do fuck all with both hands." Both myself, along with the teacher and other kids, burst out laughing.

 

[Mr Fraser]

One of the best comebacks on the cricket pitch.

Australia plucked out Zimbabwe’s ninth wicket at 120 and in walked Eddo Brandes. The game was all but won by Australia but Eddo wasn’t going down wondering and he decided to play his shots. A few minutes later, Glenn McGrath, the Australian pacer, casually asked Eddo, ”Why are you so fat?”

Eddo Brandes, the Zimbabwean bowler, didn’t miss the opportunity and quickly replied, “Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit.” Even Glenn McGrath was stunned by that snorter of a reply by Eddo. Interestingly, McGrath wasn’t married at the time. He married his first wife Jane in 1999.

'If You Turn Your Bat Over You'll See The Instructions On The Back'

'If You Turn Your Bat Over You'll See The Instructions On The Back'

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk

 

[Pell]

 

[gloryhuntersince85]

Back in the bad (good?) old days of the mid-late 90s, we were at the game at Grimsby. About 20 mins before kick-off an announcement came over the tannoy asking all the City fans to move down the aisle and take a seat, so people coming into the away end could get in.

This young steward, trying to make a few quid that day and with a hi-viz jacket on over his Nirvana t-shirt, comes up to these two blokes who were stood next to us and says ‘can you shufty down a bit fellas and take a seat?’. One of the guys, a proper Shaun Ryder type, turns to look at the kid, takes drag on his fag out the back of his hand and says “Don’t tell me to sit down you scruffy ****. Go an’ get yer fuckin’ hair cut” and turns back around to carry on his conversation with his mate. The kid just looked around and walked off, a bit like Spike Milligan at the end of this scene in The Life Of Brian.

remember going to Grimsby in 97 in a 1-1 draw when Kavelashvili scored, there were 3 of us all in City colours and we found a working mens club on main street, we walked in there were 3 guys sat at the bar 1 had a dipper shirt on, 2 had rags shirts on , landlord came from other bar with a Spurs shirt on and said to us "sorry lads its regulars only"

 

[Keep the Faith]

Gordon Strachan, was asked by a reporter, for a "quick word".
Wee Gordon, replied - velocity...

I think you will,find that it was Brian Clough

 

[Zubrman]

I think you will,find that it was Brian Clough

But 'Brian Clough' is two words.

 

[J.G.Blue.]

The steeplejack Fred Dibnah was working at the top of a 120 foot chimney when someone walking past & looking up in wonder asked Freds sidekick Donald who was acting as lookout & and helper down on the ground if Fred had ever fallen off a chimney, Donald replied with a straight face "He did once but I managed to catch him"

 

[Bodicoteblue]

‘Not in my lifetime’

 

[JRockBlues]

Probably not a good idea to call Buzz Aldrin a coward and a liar:

http://hdl.handle.net/11401/8438

 

[Donmcfc]

A friend of mine worked in a children's home in Salford. She came into our local one evening looking really pissed off. I asked her what was wrong. She said that she had had a really rough day in work. The kids had been very badly behaved and abusive throughout her whole shift. She said "I am sick and tired of being called a fat slag."
I replied "Why don't you go on a diet and stop sleeping around."