Joke of the day

Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat.

"How are you, Richard?" asked George. "I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard. "I've pulled a muscle, and it's killing me."

"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.

Richard yawned and said, "Well, it does if you pull it over a hundred times in one night."
 
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. But being too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.

Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half.

He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look long!"
 
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.

"Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied. "The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter.

The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish.

After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones were much saltier and smaller than the ones I ate yesterday."

"True, senor," agreed the waiter. "You see the bull... he does not always lose."
 
A rather well proportioned young lady, spent almost all of her holiday sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second day, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of her bathing suit for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," she asks rather calmly. "No one can see me up here and, besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the manager, "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
 
Johnny had his car stuck. He can't manage to push it out, and he started cussing out words. Then a pastor comes to Johnny.

“Johnny, you shouldn't be saying that. God is watching. He is everywhere.” said the pastor.

“Is God in that bush?” asked Johnny. “yes.” replied the pastor. “Is He in your house?” added Johnny.

“Yes, God is everywhere”. Said the pastor.

“Is he in the car then?” Johnny asks again. “of course.” replied the pastor.

“THEN TELL HIM TO GET OUT AND FUCKING PUSH”
 
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner"

"That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening."


The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!"

So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on."

He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up."



He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.


Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
 
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