Joke of the Week!

an old couple are getting ready for bed, when wife says, "do you remember when we got married and you undressed me for the first time?"

hubby says, "of course I do, love"

she replies "and what did you think?"

"I'm going to suck those tits dry and f#ck her brains out" he says

"and what do you think now?"

"I managed it, didn't I?"
 
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon
that she wants her vagina lips reduced in size because
they were flapping in the breeze. Out of
embarrassment, she requests that the surgery be kept a
secret and the surgeon agrees.



Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she
finds three roses carefully placed beside her on the
bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I
thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
operation."



The surgeon tells her he carried out her wish for
confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
"I felt sad because you went through this all by
yourself. The second rose is from my nurse; she
assisted me in the surgery and empathized because
she'd had the same procedure done some time ago."



"And what about the third rose?"



"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn
unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
 
This is the best joke i have ever been told..

A group of legionnaires strode through the scorching desert.

They hadn't had water for three days and hadn't eaten for a week
but they did not crack, and kept marching solidly on. Suddenly one
of them froze, "Psssst" said he. His companion halted, and
strained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing.

"Le voila", said he, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree
on ze 'orizon"? And sure enough, there it stood, proudly and
defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree.

Slowly they crept forward towards the mystery object far off. Inch
by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they were within a
stone's throw of the bacon tree.

Even nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping
one of the legionnaires in his tracks. The other legionnaires hit
the ground as bullets thudded into the sand around them. The other
two returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded companion.
Even as they bandaged him, they could hear his faint voice -

"Zat was no bacon tree," he gasped, "Zat was an 'am bush."
 
Text message i received today made me giggle:-


The cops are on to us, they are looking for a sexy motherfucker and a idiot,
they have already got me, so grab your helmet and crayons and run like fuck !!!!
 
A nun gets on a bus thats empty except for the driver.

She says "I'm going to die soon but i want sex before i do, but i must remain a virgin, so it must be anal, and i can't commit adultery so the man must be single, can you fulfil my wish?"

"Yes" says the driver and fucks her up the arse. Then feeling guilty he says "I'm sorry i lied, I'm married with 3 kids".

"Thats ok" said the nun. "I lied too. My name is Dave and I'm going to a fancy dress party".
 
Ronaldo crashed his car this week. Hundreds of thousands of pounds written off just like that.

When the police and paramedics arrived on the scene they found him on the floor rolling around aparently in agony - complaining that the wall was far enough back.

------------------------------------------------------

A foul mouthed little boy named Billy is sat in an English lesson learning about the alphabet.

His teacher says "right we'll start with A - can anyone give me a word that begins with A?"

Billy's hand shoots up into the air within a second..."yes Billy?"

"ARSE miss!"

"Billy! we wont have language like that in this room thankyou" skillfully skimming over this the teacher provides the word "apple"

"Now who can give me a word that begins with B?"

The teacher has barely got the question out when Billy's hand hits the air..."This isnt going to be rude like the last one is it Billy?"

Billy grins, shakes his head and yells "Bastard miss!"

"Billy thats enough of that kind of language!" and again produces the word "banana"

Giving Billy a suspicious look the teacher asks "can anyone give me a word begining with C?"

Withough a seconds thought and without a hand in the air Billy roars "Cock!"

"Right Billy this is the last straw if you swear one more time i'm sending you out!" again she finishes by giving the word "Coconut"

"Now WHO can give me a word begining with D?"

Billy this time slowly raises his hand.

"Billy, is this going to be another rude word? because if it is you know what will happen!"

"No miss!, Dwarf!"

The teacher thoroughly relieved replies beaming "Yes Billy, well done - do you know what a dwarf is though?"

Billy replies grinning and holding a hand about waist height, "Yes miss! a little short **** about this big!"
 
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