Scottyboi
Well-Known Member
150 israeli soldiers have rapidly entered jordan reports suggest she is tired and her arse is sore but she will soldier on!
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Joke of the Week!
- Thread starter Biggsy1
- Start date
honkytonkman187
Well-Known Member
Billy is sitting in the school playground finishing off his fifth chocolate bar. A teacher spots what he's been eating and says, "Billy, too much chocolate can be bad for you."
Billy replies, "well what about my granddad- he lived to be a hundred."
teacher says, "but did he eat five chocolate bars a day?"
"no- he just minded his own fucking business!"
Billy replies, "well what about my granddad- he lived to be a hundred."
teacher says, "but did he eat five chocolate bars a day?"
"no- he just minded his own fucking business!"
Sheikh Django
Well-Known Member
Why does Rupert the bear wear checkered trousers?
Because he's a kunt!
Because he's a kunt!
Biggsy1
Well-Known Member
Mr Cadbury met Mrs Cadbury in a room on Quality St. It was After Eight. He turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic! He slipped his hand into her Snickers and showed her his CurlyWurly. Not keen to have any Jelly Babies she let him have her up Burnville boulevard, she screamed with Turkish Delight as he took out his fun sized Mars Bar, it felt a bit Crunchie and wanted some Time Out but he did a Twirl and came in a very Milky Way!!
Fourinarow
Well-Known Member
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said..........
"Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"
As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said..........
"Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"
Fourinarow
Well-Known Member
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a Room of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you Seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come Into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes ?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir ?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a Room of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you Seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come Into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes ?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir ?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Fourinarow
Well-Known Member
> General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio
> the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady
> who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what
> things are you going to teach these young boys when
> they visit your base?
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them
> climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit
> irresponsible, isn't it?
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be
> properly supervised on the rifle range.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this
> is a terribly dangerous Activity to be teaching
> children?
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be
> teaching them proper rifle discipline before they
> even touch a firearm.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them
> to become violent killers.
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped
> to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
>
> The radio went silent and the interview ended.
> the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady
> who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what
> things are you going to teach these young boys when
> they visit your base?
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them
> climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit
> irresponsible, isn't it?
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be
> properly supervised on the rifle range.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this
> is a terribly dangerous Activity to be teaching
> children?
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be
> teaching them proper rifle discipline before they
> even touch a firearm.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them
> to become violent killers.
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped
> to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
>
> The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Fourinarow
Well-Known Member
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'
Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'
'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'
Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'
'Very good' says the teacher.. 'If you can spell "box" on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'
'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking see under my jacket in case I had explosives'
'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I will give you a biscuit'
The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'
Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'
'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'
Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'
'Very good' says the teacher.. 'If you can spell "box" on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'
'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking see under my jacket in case I had explosives'
'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I will give you a biscuit'
Greiver
Well-Known Member
A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.
Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".
The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."
Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".
The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."