Joke of the Week!

[tueartsboots]

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.

 

[bluereddish]

Two old age pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met.

While sitting at a cafe the little old man says, 'Do you remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind.'

'Why, yes I remember it well dear,' replies the little old lady with a grin.

'Well, for old time's sake, lets go there again and I'll give you one from behind.'

With that the two pensioners pay the bill and leave the cafe.

A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it.

He gets up and follows the old couple.

Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works.
The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips and the little old lady then reaches for the fence.

Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second.

Finally, they collapse and don't move for a hour.

The man is stunned.

Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, 'I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time!'

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.

Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, 'Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret, could you shag like that fifty years ago?'

The pensioner replies, 'Son, fifty years ago that fcuking fence wasn't electrified.'

 

[Banned Tosspot]

How many BMers' does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
1 to move it to the Lighting section after 2 have argued to move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what supermarkets are offering discounts on brands of light bulbs, and what customer service they expect in a lightbulb shop
4 to say that they've been disappointed in Lightbulb Live for the last 4 years
12 to ask why those 4 keep going to Lightbulb Live only to complain about it
1 to break the news about the new limited release light bulb
1 to post that the news was already broken in another thread and start a poll about reading entire threads
12 to post that they shouldn't mention limited releases because someone might buy them to resell
1 to insist he has every right to buy and sell lightbulbs
1 to obsessively insist that no-one should make profit from lightbulbs on this forum
5 to post that they've collected 11 of the limited edition lightbulbs already so might as well get the whole set.
32 to not bother posting because there's no post count showing anymore
8 to say that their electric company sent them 4 free lightbulbs, when quite clearly they would have preferred the moon on a stick.
6 to post thinly veiled criticisms of forum staff's management of lightbulbs
15 to post that forum staff can do exactly as they want with their own lightbulbs
6 to pretend they were just asking innocent questions about lightbulb management and didn't do anything wrong
1 to ask that forum staff backup all mention of lightbulbs so they can write a book about their really interesting life with lightbulbs
11 to reply that it's not a personal lightbulb anecdote storage facility
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including pictures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

And 1 very dull BMer to turn it into a joke.

 

[Evil Roy Slade]

mummy mummy why do I have L on this shoe and R on this shoe.

Well it helps you put the right shoe on the right foot, L is for your left foot and R is for your right foot.

mummy, is that why i have C & A in my nickers

 

[yankblue]

Why shouldn't women be allowed to drive?

Because there's no road from the kitchen to the bedroom!

 

[bluezi]

Three lesbian vampires walk into a bar;
The first one goes up to the bar while the other two sit at a table, she asks the barman "can i have 3 pints of blood please.
the barman cant believe what he has just heard, and asks her to repeat her order,
"Can i have 3 pins of blood please", the barman tells her that shes mistaken and that this is a pub and does not sell Blood.
she walks over to her two friends and tells them no blood sold here. the Buch one stands up and says "Bollocks hes takin the piss ll get em in.". she walks over to the bar and asks the barman "Can i have 3 pints of blood please", the barman this time tell the lesbo vampire to Fuck off or he will call the police, that this is a decent establishment and they dont sell such things... the second vampire returns to the table and says,,, "yep she right they dont sell blood"
the 3rd vampire then sands up walks over to the bar but before she can open her mouth the barman tell her to fuck off and he has alredy called the police.
why she asks.. "because we dont sell Fucking blood ,thats why now do one", "but i dont want any blood," she says all i want is 3 cups of hot water please...
oh well the barmen says i can do that for you no problem, he handS her threE mugs of hot water, she then takes out 3 used tampax and puts them in the cups, turns towards the barman and says "Guess well hve to make do with a brew then"..

 

[Blue Si O.B]

a man walks into a bar, he says ouch!....two cows in a field one turns to the other and goes ........................................................................................................moooooooooooooooooooooo!



while we are on the subject of daft jokes thats one some tosser tols me the other week in the pub











is that joke rubbish?!

 

[shaundickov]

I entered a marathon once.....















Chocolate and peanuts all over me knob.

 

[Malhor]

How do you make a rag laugh on a Saturday night?

Tell him a joke on Thursday night.

 

[BimboBob]

A white horse goes into a bar.The barman says"we have a drink named after you".The white horse replies"what,eric?"