Joke thread

My missus crashed into a bloke in the car this morning.
She told the police that the guy had been drinking & was on his mobile at the time of impact.


The Police assured her he was entitled to do as he pleased in his own conservatory.



..............

U can tell by a lady's feet how she's feeling.


If they're behind her ears she likes you ! !


.............................



My dog does a somersault everytime Man Utd score a goal. Sometimes he does two somersaults,


it depends how hard i kick him..


...............

A woman is stood in front of a mirror all dressed up for a night on the town. She turns to her husband and says , "I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment once in a while".

"Fair enough" says the husband, "your eyesight is damn near perfect"
 
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!”

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”

DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”
 
km09 said:
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!”

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”

DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”
Click to expand...

Brilliant!
 
Mcdonalds have just introduced the new McSaville Burger, an 84 year old piece of meat between 12 year old baps,
 
I see Jimmy Savilles family have removed his gravestone along with all the flowers growing around it as a sign of respect to his victims.

So it just leaves a small hole with no bush around it.

Just what Jimmy would have wanted



..........................


Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancee and she has said she has never had reason to think he was a paedophile in all their 25 years together.



......................


Following the news that Wonga is the new sponsor of Newcastle United,
the players have promised to give 1750% in future games....


.........................

T'day I bought myself some sensible walkin boots, a new ordinance map, a nice hand carved walkin stick & a rucksack. Then I went up to the Peak District, walked for about 5 miles stopped, sat on a stone wall, had a flask of coffee, Then I walked another 5 miles, had a biscuit & then I...


..oh, Sorry mate, I'm fuckin rambling!!


.......................

Car Of The Year 2012, as voted by the readers of Women's Own magazine is:




A Blue One!
 
BimboBob said:
I am going to open an all Jewish brothel and call it the "Gash Chamber".
Click to expand...

ao3wno.jpg
:-)
 
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