Joke thread

[twitter]

I looked into my new girlfriend's eyes and said, "I would like to make love to your soul."

"Awww, any time, that is so romantic." she smiled.

"Great.." I replied. "I think I'll start with your r-soul."

 

[2sheikhs]

they're

ladies?

^^sorry.

I was in Paris with my girlfriend,what a wonderfully cultured romantic beautiful City.
But i couldnt understand all the Parisions walking around with their heads down looking at the ground in such a culturally inspiring place.................then i stood in some dog shit.

Parisians.
This isn't Trip Advisor, is it?

ok so i write a joke and it fails on a spelling arrer?

I wasn't questioning your grammar. I was taking issue with you playing fast and loose with the term "ladies".

 

[jamiegrimble]

Tiger woods wife promised she would forgive him if USA Won today.Oh well,looks like hes going to have to wait another two years to Ryder.

You can now use reasonable force against intruders that enter your home.I cant wait for the mother in law to visit.

 

[km09]

I just bought Condoms, and when the cashier asked do you need a bag? I just said No she isn't that ugly.

 

[ChrisNUFC]

A bloke takes his mates to see his new flat, after a few beers, one of the lads asks him: "What's the big brass gong for?"

The host says: "It's my speaking clock!"

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you," he says, and hits it full pelt with a club hammer.

A voice from next door yells: "For f***s sake you c***, it's twenty to three in the f***ing morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

[km09]

A bloke takes his mates to see his new flat, after a few beers, one of the lads asks him: "What's the big brass gong for?"

The host says: "It's my speaking clock!"

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you," he says, and hits it full pelt with a club hammer.

A voice from next door yells: "For f***s sake you c***, it's twenty to three in the f***ing morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Classic, In stitches laughing

 

[r.soleofsalford]

A bloke takes his mates to see his new flat, after a few beers, one of the lads asks him: "What's the big brass gong for?"

The host says: "It's my speaking clock!"

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you," he says, and hits it full pelt with a club hammer.

A voice from next door yells: "For f***s sake you c***, it's twenty to three in the f***ing morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

thank you ken dodd

 

[BigJoe#1]

This one made me smile...

A Husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel". The manager replied "Sir that's a personal matter ". Husband replies "Like fuck it is! The window won't open so that's a maintenance matter !"

 

[dronefromsector7g]

An ugly man walks into his local bar with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno...Never found her head"..

 

[mrcunny]

Dear Jim,

Please can you fix it for me to go on holiday with a girl in my class.

Thanks.


Jeremy, 30.