Joke thread

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents the other day. After saying hello my Dad pulled me to one side and whispered "you could have done better than that son. She's the ugliest pig I've ever seen! She must weigh 23 stone. Covered in spots. lips like a cod, shes got a beard, shes cross eyed, got a bald head, size 15 feet and she fucking stinks!!"

I said "there's no need to whisper dad, she's deaf!...
 
they have just found 4 black men floating in the new york subway system dressed in purple suits they think it might be the drifters


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I was with this really fit bird and was so turned on that I couldn't help having a cheeky wank under the sheet.Either she didnt notice or was to polite to mention, but she just carried on cutting my hair.


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I've come to one of those Swiss suicide clinics. Do you know what the bastards gave me for breakfast this morning?


Fucking Cheerios.
 
It turns out Freddie Star never ate a Hamster...



It was a Fourteen year old Beaver..


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I've just been to my doctors and he told me to avoid saturated fat.

So I stopped fucking my wife in the shower!
 
The BBC have announced that Bob The Builder has been sacked.

They say they can no longer trust any children's TV star who claims to be able to fix it.
 
Referee Mark Clattenburg is at the centre of a race row after having allegedly used inappropriate language toward a Chelsea player.

It's reported that he called Fernando Torres a striker.
 
If a girl asks me if I have any condoms, I always say "No". "But..." I continue, "I could just jizz over your tits instead".

I didn't last long as a pharmacist.
 
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