Joke thread

[Alan Harper's Tash]

Manchester United.

 

[balotellishaircut]

I’ve decided to start calling my missus Everton because she kicks off every 10 mins.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I’ve decided to start calling my missus Everton because she’s going down

Fixed

 

[Bernardo’s Brew]

 

[BringBackSwales]

Is that @BringBackSwales

Fuck off


and yes it is

 

[Jam Tomorrow]

Little kid…”dad, what will happen when my tortoise dies?”
Dad..”we’ll put in a little box with a carrot and lettuce, then we’ll bury it in the garden, you can have a few friends around and we’ll play games and have jelly and ice cream”
Little kid…” can’t we kill it now?”

 

[Barcon]

Little kid…”dad, what will happen when my tortoise dies?”
Dad..”we’ll put in a little box with a carrot and lettuce, then we’ll bury it in the garden, you can have a few friends around and we’ll play games and have jelly and ice cream”
Little kid…” can’t we kill it now?”

You just brought up a horrible memory of when I was a little nipper and my Dad thought that they hibernate. Put it in a shoe box and stuck it on top of the kitchen cupboard for a few months.

 

[Mid Wales blue]

My Mrs, asked me this morning, So what are you going to do today?
Me, I’m doing nothing.
Her, you did that all day yesterday.
Me, Yes love, but I didn’t get it finished!

 

[m7mcfc]

A bloke goes into a chippy and asks for steak and kidney pie and chips.
The woman serving says "sorry, we've only got cheese and onion pies."
"That's alright," says the bloke, "I've got my bike outside."

Classic that I first heard 30 years ago.

 

[Barcon]

Classic that I first heard 30 years ago.

I'm still trying to figure it out.