Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

I fell asleep on the trampoline again.

Third night on the bounce.

 

[Sam101]

I tried to sell my Thomas the Tank Engine train set at an antiques shop today.



"You would have got more for it if the fat controller wasn't missing." Said the assistant.



"Yeah, you're probably right." I replied. "She's good at haggling."

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was in the supermarket yesterday and saw a bloke steal some potatoes, carrots, turnips and celery.

I was thinking of going after him, but realised it would be fruitless.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Woke up early this morning so thought I’d go for a stroll down the lane, through the old tunnel along by the river, across the meadow, up the hill and over and down by the bridge...

Sorry, I’m just rambling now.

 

[bonespost]

 

[mrcunny]

Rachel Reeves adds winning the London Marathon to her CV

 

[Lavinda Past]

I got some of that lovely German bread from Aldi today

Stollen?

No, I paid for it at the till

 

[Lavinda Past]

Police arrested a girl today for selling dodgy goods

Counterfeit?

Yes, she had two.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I hate it when people tell me that age is just a number.

It's clearly a word.

 

[Lavinda Past]

The inventor of male and female pairs tennis has sadly passed away.

RIP Mick Stubbles.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I read an article about strange perversions. One was shoving a croissant up your bum

Apparently, it's a real pain in the arse.

 

[BlueMoonRisin’]

Which vegetable breaks free from jail the most?

An escapea.

 

[Xhavenjoe]

Little known fact....

In order to kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart.

As you'd expect, the process is painstaking.

read an article about strange perversions. One was shoving a croissant up your bum

Apparently, it's a real pain in the arse

Now Now.
You can only get away with that once

 

[balotellishaircut]

My wife can do a far better West Midlands accent than me.
This goes to show that the female of the species is more Dudley than the male.

 

[TinFoilHat]

 

[fulabeer]

 

[Lavinda Past]

Just pulled back my curtains and thought I saw David Jason lying on my lawn...

After a close inspection it was a touch of frost!.

 

[bladdered]

 

[bluethrunthru]

 

[Sam101]

A farmer has a chicken shed with three rows above each other.



There are 20 chickens on the top row, 20 in the middle and 20 on the bottom.



Question - how many chickens does he actually own?



Answer - 20 40 are on higher perches!