Joke thread

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:



'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'



'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.



'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.'
 
Charles, a new retiree, worked as a greeter at Harrods, had trouble getting to work on time.
Every day, he was 5, 10, or even 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker—always neat, clean-shaven, sharp, and a great asset to the company. He clearly showed that Harrods' "Older Person Friendly" policies were working.

One day, his line manager called Charles into the office. "Charles, I want to tell you that I like your work. You do a great job here, but your lateness is becoming a problem."

"Yes, sir, I know, and I’m working on it," Charles replied.

The manager smiled. "Good to hear. You’re a team player, and that’s what I like. But it’s strange that you're always late. I understand that you were in the army... What did they do if you showed up late there?"

Charles looked at the floor, then smiled and chuckled softly.

With a grin, he replied, "Well, they usually saluted and said, 'Good morning, General, can I get your coffee, sir?'"
 
David Beckham goes horseback riding for the first time in his life, he's never had any prior lessons or training. As soon as his bottom hits the saddle, the horse gallops away.

He immediately realises that he's not in the saddle correctly and does everything he can to stay on the horse. He pulls on the horse's mane, he grabs the saddle ... but realises it's no use.

Finally he decides the best thing to do is to jump clear of the horse but as he does this, his foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and he is dragged by the horse.

His head is hitting the ground ... thump ... thump ... thump ... over and over again.

Just as he is about to lose consciousness the store manager runs out and unplugs the horse.
 
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