Joke thread

[Vienna_70]

My tutor at art college tried to discourage me from making a bust in iron,

but I decided to forge a head anyway.

You aren’t getting any better, are you?

 

[bonespost]

 

[kippaxneil]

Lot's of people seem to be getting flu viruses at the moment..not good, especially at Christmas time.
Many years ago, I had a mild form of bird flu. It was pretty awful. But it's all relative isn't it?
If I had rabies and you offered me bird flu, I'd bite your hand off!

 

[sir baconface]

 

[Lavinda Past]

I bought our two-year-old daughter her first jigsaw for Christmas but, typically, the wife went fucking mental.

Some bollocks about "...too young for power tools."


A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly starts crying.

“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with an alsatian, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

 

[Lavinda Past]

Worst place I ever worked was a factory making prosthetic testicles

I got the sack for saying that the place was sham bollock

 

[Lavinda Past]

I won some tickets for a 'secret gig' and the band turned out to be Placebo

I was hoping it would be The Cure.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Someone stole my mood ring today and I don't know how I feel about it.


My wife has just told me she thinks we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her, "I think you mean fewer".


Someone broke into my warehouse and stole all my adding machines

My losses are incalculable.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate played golf on Christmas day and hit a birdie

It was a partridge on a par 3

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate was given an appointment to see a young lady psychiatrist.

He said, "I think I might be a sexaholic. I just can't get enough"

The psychiatrist said, "I'll do whatever I can do to help you. My fee is £80 an hour."

My mate says, "How much for all night?"

 

[Lavinda Past]

I've just heard that an old mate of mine has moved back into the Greater Manchester area, and is working as a drag artist.

Apparently, he's got a Wigan address.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I looked out of my window last night and saw a copy of the Canterbury Tales floating in the sky.

It was a flying Chaucer


I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants...

Feefiphobia.


I used to have a job window cleaning, but after a number of complaints about the standard of my work, I was sacked.
I think it was a smear campaign.


Apparently, everyone in Iran is scared of spiders.
But in Iraq, no phobia.

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Robinho's Subbuteo]

 

[fulabeer]

 

[Sam101]

 

[Lavinda Past]

Eddie Stobart, founder of iconic haulage company, has died aged 95.

They've made a biopic about his life. I haven't seen the film yet, but the trailer looks good



I've been trying to buy a Gandalf costume online, but they're all incomplete...

You just can't get the staff these days.