Joke thread

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[dickie davies]

That’s only because she’d left her Rabbit at mine…

Is that because you couldn't satisfy her!

 

[Hertzblue]

 

[Hertzblue]

 

[Sam101]

 

[Citizen of Legoland]

View attachment 160309

Look like pasties in that picture.

 

[Sam101]

I popped into Waterstones and asked, "Can I have Hugh Laurie's autobiography please?"


"Certainly," the assistant said: "Do you want Fry's with that?"

 

[Casey69]

Guy in court answering to the judge… you are charged with having sex with a sheep!
How do you plead ? Guilty m’lord ! Cough cough , you are charged with exposing yourself to a group of nuns! How do you plead ? Guilty m’lord! Cough cough , you are also charged with shagging a jack russell terrier! How do you plead ? Guilty m’lord cough cough …
At this point the judge says have you tried a fisherman’s friend?
To which the man replies don’t you think I’m in enough fucking trouble as it is !

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Vienna_70]

is that why you're walking funny?

That reminds me of another Jethro joke:

He was in Mousehole, when he saw a bloke walking funny.

"How’re you walking so stiffish?"

"I shit myself!"

"Well, you want to walk like this." Jethro showed him.

"I will, when I’ve finished."

 

[noseve]

Steve sees an old school friend of his, Mark, sitting in the corner of the pub, looking thoroughly depressed.
'Hello mate, What's up?'
"It's my wife - she's going to leave me"

Mark then explains that his wife was fed up with him coming home smashed and said that she'd be off the next time he did it. Steve could see that he was absolutely rat-arsed, and had thrown up over his jacket.

"Look Mark, have a few cups of black coffee and take a stroll round the block. That'll clear your head a treat. Put this £20 in your pocket and when you get home tell Sue that some bloke threw up over your jacket and gave you the £20 to have it dry-cleaned".

Mark follows these instructions to the letter and when he gets home, senses that Sue is falling for it.

"Oh, poor you!" She says, "that must have been horrible for you - but where did that other £20 come from?" She asks, pointing to a second note.

'Oh, that?', he says 'that's from the guy who shat in my pants...'

 

[mexico1970]

 

[oakiecokie]

That reminds me of another Jethro joke:

He was in Mousehole, when he saw a bloke walking funny.

"How’re you walking so stiffish?"

"I shit myself!"

"Well, you want to walk like this." Jethro showed him.

"I will, when I’ve finished."

Jethro was on at our local Sportsmans Evening a few years back and his opening line was :
"I took my missus out last night ... it only took one fucking punch"
The place erupted and the rest of the evening was a very funny evening with him.