Joke thread

[Sam101]

It's my Scouse Nephew's birthday tomorrow.



So as a special treat I've slipped a twenty pound note into his Nan's purse.

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[noseve]

A bloke goes onto shite ITV game show You Bet, claiming he can tell where a football is from, as soon as he's given it.

Annoying wanker Mulherne gives him the first ball....
"Grimsby.....I can smell the fish".

YESSSSSSS, shouts the bouffanted tosser

He gets another....
"Blackpool, it's sticky, and covered in bits of rock"

CORRECCCCCTTTT calls the quiffed ****


Last ball gets given to him......

"It's from London "
Can you be more precise?, says the talentless twat.
"Yes, North London"
Can you give me a little bit more, asked the annoying arsehole
"Sure. It's from Tottenham "
That's incredible, cried the preening prick. Tell me, how did you know

"Easy. I squeezed it. It's going down"

Just a tip: if you ever go on Britain's Got Talent, you might want to work on your delivery...

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Sam101]

I went into a caravan showroom the other day and said to the salesman: "I'd like to buy a motorhome."



He said "Camper?"



I said "Oooo, get you, I'd like to buy a motorhome, sweetie."

 

[lefty goldblatt]

I went into a caravan showroom the other day and said to the salesman: "I'd like to buy a motorhome."



He said "Camper?"



I said "Oooo, get you, I'd like to buy a motorhome, sweetie."

Did you turn it down when you saw the muck in there

 

[Sam Armstrong]

View attachment 189517

You’re a day late … posted it yesterday!!

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

You’re a day late … posted it yesterday!!

Mine's bigger : )

 

[Blue Mist]

You’re a day late … posted it yesterday!!

You've obviously never been to Duckingfield.
He's actually 3 months early. It takes awhile for the carrier pigeon to walk there (he'd fly but the smogs too thick)

 

[TinFoilHat]

 

[Ho Chi Man City]

You've obviously never been to Duckingfield.
He's actually 3 months early. It takes awhile for the carrier pigeon to walk there (he'd fly but the smogs too thick)

Where’s Duckingfield? Is that somewhere where a Mallard resides in a meadow?

 

[sir baconface]

 

[Sam101]

Teacher to Little Johnny: "Can you make a sentence with the word contagious?"


Little Johnny: "Sure! Mum says whenever dad mows the lawn it always takes the . . . "

 

[JRockBlues]

My nagging wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem...

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about £45,000 if we send her home back to the UK or £500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem."

Me: "Ship her home."

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money."

Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that risk."

 

[Mid Wales blue]

You’re a day late … posted it yesterday!!

I think he had his done as well!

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

Where’s Duckingfield? Is that somewhere where a Mallard resides in a meadow?

Dukinfield is a small red brick village Cheshire village nestling in the foothills of the Pennines

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

You've obviously never been to Duckingfield.
He's actually 3 months early. It takes awhile for the carrier pigeon to walk there (he'd fly but the smogs too thick)

Don't you dare call Gods back garden

 

[Blue Mist]

Don't you dare call Gods back garden

If he wants to borrow my lawnmower he can.

 

[Mr Ed (The Stables)]

Little lad asks his dad what the difference is between theory and reality. Dad says go to your mother and ask her if she'll sleep with his best mate for 1 million pounds.

So the little lad trundles off, asks his mother the question and she replies that she would sleep with his dad's best mate for 1 million pounds.

Dad then tells his son, now go and ask your sister if she'll sleep with his mates eldest son for 1 million pounds. Once again the little lad trundles off, and asks his sister the question which she replies that she would.

So the dad says to his lad, there you have it son, the difference between theory and reality. The lad looks puzzled and doesn't understand, so the father explains, "look, so in theory we are sat on 2 million quid in the bank, however the reality is we are living with a couple of slappers!!!

 

[Dave Ewing's Back 'eader]

The Rat Faced Wanker & The Gobshite?

Sky's Dogs.