Joke thread

Zubrman said:
The Big Top run by Mr Circus was not doing very well. Receipts were down and towns were becoming reluctant to book him. He had to find a new act to revive his fortunes.

He put an advert in Variety magazine, sat back and waited.

After sitting through several days of hum-drum acts, a mild-mannered man pulling a small hand cart with the name 'Mr Hammer' emblazoned on its side was shown in.

"I am Mr Hammer!" the sleight man announced. "What's your act then?" asked Mr Circus.

Opening the lid of his cart, Mr Hammer proudly said, "I invite you to select any hammer from my collection."

Mr Circus looked inside at the array of different hammers; from toffee hammer to sledgehammer. He chose a weighty mallet.

"Aaah, a fine specimen," said Mr Hammer. "One of my favourites. Now kindly strike me on the forehead with it, as hard as you please."

"What!? Are you mad? I shall do no such a thing!" said the startled Mr Circus.

"Do not worry, Sir, as I am a professional and have done this many, many times," assured the small performer.

Somewhat reluctantly, Mr Circus drew back the mallet and twatted Mr Hammer right between the eyes.

He went out like a light and fell backwards to the floor.

"Oh shit! What have I done!!?" panicked the Big Top owner, and he called his wife.

"Oh shit! What have you done!!? she shrieked when she saw the crumpled heap that was the previously fine auditioner.

"He said it was his act! He told me to hit him on the head with this and I did and he just fell down and and and ..." Mr Circus babbled.

"You have to call the police. And an ambulance," Mrs Circus said in a moment of clarity. Mr Circus hesitated but complied.

Whilst the unconscious Mr Hammer was speedily taken to the nearest hospital, the police interviewed Mr Circus. After a few hours they appeared satisfied with his account of the events and left, warning that should things turn for the worse in A & E, then they would be back.

The distraught Mr Circus told his wife that they had to cancel that night's show as he had to go to the bedside of Mr Hammer, to see if he was making any recovery. Reluctantly she agreed with his idea. He drove off in panic.

When he found the Intensive Care Unit that had the frail body of Mr Hammer hooked up to it, he plopped his sad bulk on the uncomfortable plastic chair by its side and waited. All he could understand from the myriad of tubes, wires and machines was the one that gave a faint, slow 'bip...............bip..............bip.'

"At least he's still alive," thought Mr Circus and began his vigil.

The next day, his wife phoned him to ask of any improvement. "Nope.Still the same 'bip...............bip..............bip.'

She phoned the next day, and the next, only to be treated with the same response.

After two weeks, Mrs Circus advised her husband that she was taking the circus on without him as they were running out of money and she had to perform with what they had left. He sadly let her go, saying he felt duty-bound to stay at the bedside of the comatose Mr Hammer, whose life-sustaining machinery continued its morbid 'bip...............bip..............bip.'

After a month, Mrs Circus sternly told him he would have to leave the hospital and join her as the failing circus was pulling no crowds and acts were leaving, due to not being paid. He told her that he couldn't leave the bedside of this poor man he had so nearly killed.

"Very well, suit yourself!" she shouted through the telephone at him.

A week later, a nurse handed over an envelope addressed to him. It was from his wife. She had sold the remaining assets of the Circus and had run off with the Strong Man, (whom she had secretly fancied for a while.)

"Oh no! Now this!" wailed Mr Circus. "I have lost my business, my wife and I have put this poor man in a coma from which it seems he may never recover. I sit here day after day and all I ever hear is 'bip...............bip..............bip.'

This went on for a few months, during which, old friends of Mr Circus occasionally stopped by, bringing him sandwiches and changes of underwear but always being unable to deter him from staying at the bedside of the recipient of his mallet-wielding exploit.



Six more weeks passed. It was around seven in the morning one Wednesday when Mr Circus' troubled doze was disturbed by something he hadn't previously heard; a 'bip-bip.............bip-bip............bip-bip.'

He sat bolt upright in his chair, thinking he must be dreaming. But no, there it was. A definite 'bip-bip.............bip-bip............bip-bip.'

He scrambled over to the red pull-chord that dangled over Mr Hammer's otherwise lifeless carcass and yanked it so hard it left the plastic housing in the ceiling.


A nurse ran in. "Look, look!!" shouted Mr Circus, excitedly pointing to the bank of monitors.

"My Heavens!," exclaimed the nurse and called for the doctor. As they waited, the noise from the monitor became stronger and more frequent, 'Bip-Bip...Bip-Bip...Bip-Bip!' Each tone rising with intensity.

A crowd of medical staff bustled around the bed whilst the noise from the machines reached a fever pitch. 'BIP-BIP BIP-BIP BIP-BIP'

There was a slight twitching of the bedclothes, everyone held their breath as the previously inert body of Mr Hammer snapped up into a sitting position, spread his arms out wide and with a huge grin went, "Ta daaaaaaa!"
Click to expand...


Now that is funny.
 
"Better out than in," my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.


###################################################################

My girlfriend left me because I've put weight on. She even said that my thumbs were too fat.

Botch.
 
I'm trying to sell all my old dogging equipment on eBay.

Not had any bids yet, but there's loads of people watching.
 
I know this Ethiopian family who are so poor they had to eat clay to survive.

Afterwards they were all shitting bricks.<br /><br />-- Sun Aug 25, 2013 11:22 pm --<br /><br />A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
He says, "This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up. "It's a fucking what?"
 
My wife's credit card was stolen last week.
I haven't reported it yet because they are spending less than she was.
 
BELLENDER said:
- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
(You looked at your thumb... didn't you?)
Click to expand...



Just to get the facts right. this means every cell is about half mm by half mm

you learn a new thing everyday!
 
((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

(little girl) "Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause

"Uh,
okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well,
Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"

"He
jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He
hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says, "What swimming pool??... Is this 486-5731??"
 
These two dwarfs go to a brothel. they both pick their women and proceed to the bedrooms.

Dwarf one cannot get it up, no matter how hard he tries, he's as limp as can be. Despondant, he goes to sleep pondering his missed opportunity. Before he falls asleep, he can hear the second dwarf through the walls...

"One, two three... one, two three... one, two three... one, two, three..."

The next morning they meet up and discuss the previous nights events. The second dwarf asks the first how he got on "oh, I just couldn't get it up, no matter how hard I tried. What about you though" he says, "you sounded like you were having fun?"

"Me?, I couldn't even get on the bed!"
 
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