Joke thread

[foetus]

 

[Squelch]

A woman is on trial for murdering her husband with his guitar collection. The Judge asks, "First offender?"

She answers, "No, first the Gibson, then I finished him with the Fender"

 

[Squelch]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows,
Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.

'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'

'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor

'Your mother must have been a carrier.'

 

[mad4city]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows,
Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.

'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'

'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor

'Your mother must have been a carrier.'

Made me laugh.

 

[chris63]

 

[foetus]

She was standing in the kitchen,
preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

[lazza]

An English cat, named One Two Three and a French cat, named Un Deux Trois, decided to have a swimming race across the Channel. The English cat won because Un Deux Trois cat sank

 

[foetus]

An English cat, named One Two Three and a French cat, named Un Deux Trois, decided to have a swimming race across the Channel. The English cat won because Un Deux Trois cat sank

I think it's time this gif resurfaced

 

[crazyg]

An English cat, named One Two Three and a French cat, named Un Deux Trois, decided to have a swimming race across the Channel. The English cat won because Un Deux Trois cat sank

I think it's time this gif resurfaced

Merde!!!!

 

[Alex the Blue]

I've just called at my girl friends house, she opened the door in her flimsy nightie. I thought that's a funny place to keep a door.

 

[LWashington]

A man goes into the chemist and says "Have you got anything for hiccups ?" .

The Chemist comes around the counter, walks behind the man, pulls down his trousers and pants and shoves his fists right up his arse.

"ARRRGH!!" screams the man "What the fuck did you do that for?"

The Chemist says "Well you don't have hiccups now do you?"

The Man replies "No, but my wife still fucking does!!"

 

[bennyblue]

Me - Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It's definitely a prank, but I don't know what else to call it.

Mate - Shenanigan?

Me - Don't you fucking start!

 

[taleofbluehalves]

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

 

[LWashington]

My mum always told me you had to weigh yourself naked to get your true weight.



Which is now why I am banned from Boots Chemists.

 

[pudge]

A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head"

 

[LWashington]

For my wife's birthday she told me she only wanting something that went from 0-120 as soon a she put her foot down.

So I got her a pair of bathroom scales.

 

[chris63]

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'
'No' she says.
'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'
'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.
'I pay you $300.'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400.'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?'.
So she agrees and has sex with him.
They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'
The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.

 

[hackneyslim]

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'
'No' she says.
'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'
'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.
'I pay you $300.'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400.'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?'.
So she agrees and has sex with him.
They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'
The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.

Waiting for the reaction to this one...

 

[lazza]

I was in Morrisons yesterday when the man at the checkout dropped down dead in front of me.

He'd just bought a bag for life. The cruel irony.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'
'No' she says.
'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'
'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.
'I pay you $300.'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400.'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?'.
So she agrees and has sex with him.
They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'
The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.

Waiting for the reaction to this one...

Poor humour. It is completely unrealistic.

Prostitutes demand you pay first before they'll do anything. Or so I've heard.