Joke thread

ColinBellsjockstrap said:
A guy went into a restaurant for lunch.

After careful consideration,he decided he’d have a bowl of the day's soup. The waiter praised him for his decision.

"Ah, excellent choice. The chef makes the soup fresh each day from only the freshest, locally-sourced ingredients. It is completely organic, and there are no additives or
preservatives.”

"Well, it sounds delicious," the man answered. "I can't wait to try it."

"Very good sir!" the waiter said. "I guarantee you will not be disappointed."

A few minutes later, the waiter brought out the soup and placed it in front of the man.

"Bon appetit!" he said and left the man to his soup. However, after a few moments, he spotted the man waving him over.

"Yes sir?"

"Taste this soup," the man said.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Taste the soup," the man said.

"Is there a problem? I cannot imagine there could be a problem. The chef is renowned for his recipes, and this soup is one of his specialties."

"Taste the soup," the man said again.

"Perhaps I should get the headwaiter," the waiter answered, nervously and dashed off.

After a minute or two, the waiter appeared with the headwaiter.

"I understand there is a problem?" The headwaiter inquired.

"Taste the soup," the man said.

"Sir, I'll have you know we have never had a complaint in the history of this establishment. Our chef has a reputation for excellence, and has in fact won a number of culinary awards. His work is beyond reproach."

"Taste the soup," the man said again.

"I think I need to fetch the house manager," the headwaiter said and rushed off.

He returned a few minutes, later with the tuxedoed house manager.

"What seems to be the problem?" the house manager asked.

"Taste the soup," the man said.

"Monsieur, I will have you know that this establishment is among the most respected and revered in the country. The chef is brilliant, known for his innovative and imaginative recipes. He trained at the most prestigious European culinary schools, and has won the acclaim and admiration of his peers the world over. Even questioning his abilities is a grave insult."

"Taste the soup," the man said again.

"This is outrageous. I shall call the chef himself!" the house manager answered and rushed off to the kitchen.

A few moments later he returned with the chef, a burly humorless man with large hands and a red face. He glared at the man.

"You have something you wish to say?" the chef inquired.

"Taste the soup," the man said.

The chef's eyes narrowed as he leaned over the table.

"I have been the chef in this establishment for 25 years. I have prepared meals for presidents and kings. My reputation is unequalled, and every day I receive offers of employment. I can work anywhere in the world for anyone I choose. Yet you would sit here and impugn my reputation?"

"Taste the soup," the man said.

"Taste the soup? Taste the soup? Good sir, I made this soup myself from a recipe that has been handed down through generations in my family. This was my great-great-grandmother's own recipe and it is beloved."

"Taste the soup," the man said.

"Taste the soup? TASTE THE SOUP?? I have never been so affronted! Taste the soup? Fine. I will taste the soup!”

He leaned across the table and stopped.

"But where is the spoon? You have no spoon!” the chef cried.

"Right," the man replied.
Click to expand...
Sounds like the kind of joke you’d have heard on “The Comedians” back in the day…or, if you throw in a few swear words, Bernard Manning!

As Frank Carson would say, “It’s a cracker!”…which goes well with the soup!
 
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Doubledecker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name.

“Polo. I'm the one with the hole” she said with a Wispa. “I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts” he replied. He touched her Creme Eggs and put his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flapjacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as he shot his Caramel Cream and she screamed in Turkish Delight. Bull’s Eye!

But 3 days later his Sherbert Dibdab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got fuckin Allsorts.
 
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