Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

We had an unexpected knock on our door this morning. It turned out to be a door-to-door giraffe salesman.

I said to him: "Coming round here on Christmas Day? You've got some neck."

 

[Lavinda Past]

If it's one for the money and two for the show, what are three and four?




Seven

 

[Lavinda Past]

Always be careful when using a hammer.

That's my rule of thumb.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Top tip... Never leave grapes in direct sun.

I'm just raisin awareness

 

[Lavinda Past]

Every morning when I wake up, I get a single flash of colour before my eyes.

It must be deja blue

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was sitting on a train next to these Swedish guys, one was called Sven the other Ulf. I noticed that Ulf was wearing a united shirt.

I asked them if they knew were I could get a drink in that train, and Ulf goes:

"You can get a Guinness in carriage 4 you idiot, if you want a lager go to carriage 7 dickhead. There's also some microbrewery shit at the front of the train, but they all looked crap."

Then Ulf left for the toilet and I asked Sven "What's with the attitude from your friend?"

Sven said "Don't take it personally mate... rude Ulf, the red, knows train beer."

 

[mancity2012_eamo]

I was sitting on a train next to these Swedish guys, one was called Sven the other Ulf. I noticed that Ulf was wearing a united shirt.

I asked them if they knew were I could get a drink in that train, and Ulf goes:

"You can get a Guinness in carriage 4 you idiot, if you want a lager go to carriage 7 dickhead. There's also some microbrewery shit at the front of the train, but they all looked crap."

Then Ulf left for the toilet and I asked Sven "What's with the attitude from your friend?"

Sven said "Don't take it personally mate... rude Ulf, the red, knows train beer."

I haven’t even had my starter yet. Never mind dinner and dessert.

Step away from the Christmas crackers.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Oh well, that's enough from the world of Lavinda for one Christmas day...

I'm just going to put on my shiniest tin foil jacket, light up the Christmas tree, and reflect.

Merry Christmas everyone!

 

[jimharri]

 

[RayCTID]

Why can't you hear a Pterdoractyl go to the toilet?

Because the P is silent.