Joke thread

[mrcunny]

Sad news at the nestle factory today, a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" everyone cheered!!!

Laughed more than I should have!

I like these kind of jokes when ive had a pint or two...

 

[oakiecokie]

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa.Very good.Thats one for the lads in my local tonight.

 

[2sheikhs]

Two deaf old men were playing bowls. One of them bowled the jack from one corner of the green to the other. When he sent his first bowl out, it was that far away, he couldn't tell how near he was to the jack. He shouts over to a passer-by, "do us a favour mate, how far am I away from the jack?"
Passer-by has a quick look and shouts back, "you're a foot in front".
One old boy turns to his mate and says, "what did he just call you?"

 

[jimharri]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. James, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr. James,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.
“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “James is dead!”

 

[Ste1969]

Liverpool are raving about the SAS - Sturridge and Suarez. Man Utd are still trying to come up with one for Welbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawa, Evra, Rooney and Smalling

 

[Juan King]

Knock knock

 

[Lavinda Past]

Knock knock

We're all out tonight...

 

[Chancy Termites]

Knock knock

Come in.

 

[mad4city]

Knock knock

Is the door bell on the blink again or something?

 

[Carstairs]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. James, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr. James,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.
“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “James is dead!”

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