Joke thread

Couple driving down a lane, one wet and windy afternoon and suddenly they hear a thud from under the car.
They get out to take a look and see they have run over a badger.
The husband says to his wife, "I think it's still alive, it just needs warming through. Stick it between the tops of your thighs".
Wife complains "But it's all wet and smelly".
Husband says " Well if your that bothered, put your hand over the badger's snout".
 
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
 
A warning to all, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine.
Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police checkpoint On the A6 at high lane, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests.
Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a Double Decker before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
 
After 7 years training and several more years in public practice, a good friend of mine has been found guilty of gross professional misconduct and struck off. He can no longer work in the medical profession he devoted his life to.

He had sex with a patient. It was, he says, consensual. Neither was married, but rules are rules. Anyway, all that training down the drain. Nice one, 2016.

Here's to Dave. A good mate and the best vet I've ever known.
 
struggling to catch prey now that he had become old and slow, a lion decided he needed a cunning disguise to stop his prey getting away from him. so he went to the fancy dress shop and hired a gorilla costume. he then headed for the watering hole to see if his disguise would work.on the way there he came across 2 eagles sitting on a rock.
one egle calls out hello mr lion
the other one calls out where did you get the gorilla suit from
the lion was devastated and ask how did you know
the eagles looked at each othe and began to sing ....... ........
you cant hide your lion eyes


yes it has already been ordered and apparently just turning on my street now
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
jimharri said:
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a zoophile, a pyromanic and a necrophile are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat" said the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with a cat and then torture it" says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it and then kill it" shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again" said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it" said the pyromanic.


There was silence and then the masochist said: ''Miaow''.






I'm here all week!
Click to expand...
:0)
 
One day, God speaks to Noah. "Noah", he says, "I want you to build
another Ark."
"What, like the last one?" asks Noah.
"Yes," replies God, "Except this time, I want it to have 14 decks."
"And shall I lead all the animals into it, two by two, like last
time?' asks Noah.
"No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it".
Noah is a little puzzled. "Just fish?" he asks.
"Yes," says God. "In fact, just carp."
"Just carp? Why carp?" Noah quizzes.
"Well," says God, "I've always wanted a multi-storey carp Ark!"
 
My mate Murphy had been putting in 60-hour weeks at the office and his neck and shoulders were killing him. So he decided to try the massage parlour in town, run by a Chinese lady, thinking it could do no harm at this stage.

So there he was, stripped down to the boxers and lying face-down on the table, the tension already fading away under the woman's skilled hands. After a few minutes however, Murphy discovered to his horror that he was sporting a substantial erection threatening to lift him partially off the table.

"OK, don't panic", he thinks, "this probably happens all the time. What to do...". So inspiration strikes, and he says, "Erm, look - I hate asking, but would there be any chance of one of these Happy Endings I've been hearing about?" "Happy Ending?", the masseuse says, looking somewhat perplexed. "Oh! I see, you want wank! Sure, no problem - I back in five minute!" she says, and sure enough disappears out the door.

"Where's she gone, I wonder. To get another girl? Some piece of equipment? A security chap??" wonders Murphy. After about five minutes there's a tap at the door and the same lady says...
















"You finished? "
 
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