Joke thread

[CTID1988]

Text from a girl to her mum.
Hello mum need some advice. I have some of my boyfriends cum stuck in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?
Text from the mum to her daughter.
Its nice you can send me frank text, No you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.
Girl back to her mum.
Oh My God!!!!, I meant to spell Gum.

 

[kenzie115]

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbour’s daughter"

Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally distraught, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even prettier than Sandra!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbour’s daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him.. He isn't your father."

How old was this lad Jim? I stopped calling my dad 'daddy' when I was about five... Is he a bit simple or something?

Other than that, I laughed.

Good joke.

I think you're being a bit generous, I laughed more at your response than the joke.

Sorry Jim.

 

[2sheikhs]

Text from a girl to her mum.
Hello mum need some advice. I have some of my boyfriends cum stuck in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?
Text from the mum to her daughter.
Its nice you can send me frank text, No you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.
Girl back to her mum.
Oh My God!!!!, I meant to spell Gum.

I've seen much shittier jokes on here so you can piss off with that tumbleweed.

 

[mad4city]

Text from a girl to her mum.
Hello mum need some advice. I have some of my boyfriends cum stuck in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?
Text from the mum to her daughter.
Its nice you can send me frank text, No you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.
Girl back to her mum.
Oh My God!!!!, I meant to spell Gum.

I've seen much shittier jokes on here so you can piss off with that tumbleweed.

Fair enough, there have been some crimes against comedy on this thread and this hasn't been the most grievous but...


I think you'll find that there are TWO tumbleweeds on that gif and that is most definitely a two tumbleweed joke.

 

[mrcunny]

I surprized my new female post lady this morning by sticking my cock through the letter box.Don't know if she was more shocked at seeing my cock or the fact i knew where she lived.

 

[jimharri]

B&Q have formed a football team. They drew with Stalybridge Celtic at the weekend.

From what I've gathered they didn't have a great team out but they had a fantastic bench.

 

[johnmc]

Couple more of those tumbleweed gifs needed.

 

[ONTHERUNWITHTHAKSIN]

Teacher asks the class who can say a sentence with the word contagious in it.

Little Daisy puts her hand up and says "My brother has measles and they are contagious"

Well done said the teacher then little Becky puts her hand up and says

"My sister as got chicken pox and they are contagious"

Well done said the teacher and then Scousers Billy puts his hand up and says

" Me and me dad were walking and we see this Man painting a massive gate with a little brush and my dad says that's gonna take that **** ages"

 

[Three_Hat-tricks]

I had a one night stand with a girl who works as a cashier in Tesco. We met in a bar, enjoyed a few drinks and she asked me round to her place. Well, one thing led to another and we ended up in bed together. I reached underneath the sheets to touch her leg and shouted "What the bloody hell is that?!" I took a look and realised I was holding a sixteen-inch long rubber dildo. She blushed and said "Oops, it's an unexpected item in the shagging area."

 

[StrangewaysHereWeCome]

I was going to make a gay joke.


butt fuck it.