Joke thread

I was just watching the poor hopeless kids in serious need of help on the tv.

Then I decided I couldn't watch anymore.
I have turned itv1 over to bbc1 for children in need instead.
 
Text from a girl to her mum.
Hello mum need some advice. I have some of my boyfriends cum stuck in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?
Text from the mum to her daughter.
Its nice you can send me frank text, No you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.
Girl back to her mum.
Oh My God!!!!, I meant to spell Gum.
 
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbour’s daughter"

Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally distraught, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even prettier than Sandra!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbour’s daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him.. He isn't your father."
 
jimharri said:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbour’s daughter"

Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally distraught, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even prettier than Sandra!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbour’s daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him.. He isn't your father."
Click to expand...


How old was this lad Jim? I stopped calling my dad 'daddy' when I was about five... Is he a bit simple or something?

Other than that, I laughed.

Good joke.
 
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says " I wonder how the girls are getting on "
. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Woman weightlifter goes to the doctors and says " I`ve grown a cock after taking too many steroids "

Doctor asks " Anabolic "?

She replies " No , just a cock ! "
 
Johnboy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father

"Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His Dad thinks for a while and then says

"Right-o son......go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

Johnboy trots off and comes back saying

"Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying

"Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying

"Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.



"Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.



Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof!"
 
2sheikhs said:
Text from a girl to her mum.
Hello mum need some advice. I have some of my boyfriends cum stuck in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?
Text from the mum to her daughter.
Its nice you can send me frank text, No you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.
Girl back to her mum.
Oh My God!!!!, I meant to spell Gum.
Click to expand...

index.php
 
Lavinda Past said:
jimharri said:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbour’s daughter"

Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally distraught, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even prettier than Sandra!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbour’s daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him.. He isn't your father."
Click to expand...


How old was this lad Jim? I stopped calling my dad 'daddy' when I was about five... Is he a bit simple or something?

Other than that, I laughed.

Good joke.
Click to expand...

I think you're being a bit generous, I laughed more at your response than the joke.

Sorry Jim.
 
CTID1988 said:
2sheikhs said:
Text from a girl to her mum.
Hello mum need some advice. I have some of my boyfriends cum stuck in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?
Text from the mum to her daughter.
Its nice you can send me frank text, No you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.
Girl back to her mum.
Oh My God!!!!, I meant to spell Gum.
Click to expand...

index.php
Click to expand...
I've seen much shittier jokes on here so you can piss off with that tumbleweed.
 
2sheikhs said:
CTID1988 said:
2sheikhs said:
Text from a girl to her mum.
Hello mum need some advice. I have some of my boyfriends cum stuck in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?
Text from the mum to her daughter.
Its nice you can send me frank text, No you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.
Girl back to her mum.
Oh My God!!!!, I meant to spell Gum.
Click to expand...

index.php
Click to expand...
I've seen much shittier jokes on here so you can piss off with that tumbleweed.
Click to expand...

Fair enough, there have been some crimes against comedy on this thread and this hasn't been the most grievous but...


I think you'll find that there are TWO tumbleweeds on that gif and that is most definitely a two tumbleweed joke.
 
I surprized my new female post lady this morning by sticking my cock through the letter box.Don't know if she was more shocked at seeing my cock or the fact i knew where she lived.
 
B&Q have formed a football team. They drew with Stalybridge Celtic at the weekend.

From what I've gathered they didn't have a great team out but they had a fantastic bench.
 
Teacher asks the class who can say a sentence with the word contagious in it.

Little Daisy puts her hand up and says "My brother has measles and they are contagious"

Well done said the teacher then little Becky puts her hand up and says

"My sister as got chicken pox and they are contagious"

Well done said the teacher and then Scousers Billy puts his hand up and says

" Me and me dad were walking and we see this Man painting a massive gate with a little brush and my dad says that's gonna take that **** ages"
 
I had a one night stand with a girl who works as a cashier in Tesco. We met in a bar, enjoyed a few drinks and she asked me round to her place. Well, one thing led to another and we ended up in bed together. I reached underneath the sheets to touch her leg and shouted "What the bloody hell is that?!" I took a look and realised I was holding a sixteen-inch long rubber dildo. She blushed and said "Oops, it's an unexpected item in the shagging area."
 
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