Joke thread

[Hertzblue]

 

[Grassland Blue]

Its the last judgement, and Christ is judging souls by the river.
Moses comes before him, and is upset.
“Who are you to judge me? I am Moses. I spoke to god. I led the Israelites out of Egypt. I could perform miracles.”
He holds his staff over the water, it parts. He walks down, comes back dry.
“Well, I am Christ the redeemer. I am the son of God. I had no need to part the waters, I could walk on water.”
He takes a few steps into the river, sinks to the bottom, comes out distressed.
“I don’t understand, that never happened before!”
“Well, the last time you tried it did you have those holes in your feet?"

Jesus is on the cross and calls over to the others around him.
"Hey brothers".

"Yes Jesus, what is it lord?"

"Hey brothers, you know what?"

"Tell us lord , please tell us"

"Well it's wonderful."

"What's wonderful lord, please tell us."

"Truly amazing."

"What is it lord, what's amazing?"

"Well"

"Yes lord"

"Well, I can see my house from here!"

 

[balotellishaircut]

Doctor - “ I’m baffled by your orange penis, does anyone else in your family have this condition ? “

Patient - “not to my knowledge “

Doctor - “well do you handle any chemicals at work” ?

Patient - “I don’t work”

Doctor - “well what do you do all day”

Patient - “watch porn and eat wotsits”

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[bladdered]

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[bumbleblue]

 

[Lavinda Past]

Office Assistant: Boss, I need a few days off!
Boss: Leave can be granted only if you can correctly answer a question
Office Assistant: Yes, I'm ready.
Boss: Why did Brutus kill Julius Caesar?
Office Assistant: I think because Julius Caesar didn't grant him leave.
Boss: How many days do you want?

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

Bloke on holiday in Chinaand Mongolia indiscriminately indulges in sex with kerb crawlers every day and contracts a strange strain of STI.

When he returns to UK, he goes to a doctor to get sorted. The doctor examines him , does tests and tells him “ I am afraid you have a case of Mongolian Herpes. It’s a very rare strain of virus and you have no choice but to undergo an experimental treatment. Unfortunately, it is going to cost you a lot of money as the NHS doesn’t cover this condition “.

So the bloke wants a second opinion and goes and visits a dodgy Chinese doctor to get a second opinion hoping he knows more about Mongolian Herpes than the British doctor. The Chinese doctor examines him and smiles and the British man asks “ So what do you think? My British doctor says I have to undergo an experimental treatment for this and it is going to cost me a lot of money because NHS doesn’t cover this”

The Chinese Doctor laughs and tells him “ Don’t worry. British Doctor always telling you treatment costing lot of money. Go home and relax. Penis fall off automatically in two weeks”