Alan Harper's Tash
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- Joined
- 12 Dec 2010
- Messages
- 53,406
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
The pastor was reading up on hypnosis.
He thought he might try it on his congregation to see how well it really works.
“You are feeling very relaxed,” he intoned, “you will focus in on my voice. You will follow my instructions.”
All went well.
Especially the offering.
“You will put a $100 bill into the offering plate,” was his command, and it was filled with $100 bills when it came back down the aisle.
This worked well for several weeks.
Until one Sunday.
He picked up the offering plates, piled high with money, and tripped as he climbed the stairs to the alter.
“SHIT” he exclaimed as the offering plates flew into the air and money scattered all over the platform.
It took almost a month to clean and disinfect the church pews.
He thought he might try it on his congregation to see how well it really works.
“You are feeling very relaxed,” he intoned, “you will focus in on my voice. You will follow my instructions.”
All went well.
Especially the offering.
“You will put a $100 bill into the offering plate,” was his command, and it was filled with $100 bills when it came back down the aisle.
This worked well for several weeks.
Until one Sunday.
He picked up the offering plates, piled high with money, and tripped as he climbed the stairs to the alter.
“SHIT” he exclaimed as the offering plates flew into the air and money scattered all over the platform.
It took almost a month to clean and disinfect the church pews.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Its the last judgement, and Christ is judging souls by the river.
Moses comes before him, and is upset.
“Who are you to judge me? I am Moses. I spoke to god. I led the Israelites out of Egypt. I could perform miracles.”
He holds his staff over the water, it parts. He walks down, comes back dry.
“Well, I am Christ the redeemer. I am the son of God. I had no need to part the waters, I could walk on water.”
He takes a few steps into the river, sinks to the bottom, comes out distressed.
“I don’t understand, that never happened before!”
“Well, the last time you tried it did you have those holes in your feet?"
Moses comes before him, and is upset.
“Who are you to judge me? I am Moses. I spoke to god. I led the Israelites out of Egypt. I could perform miracles.”
He holds his staff over the water, it parts. He walks down, comes back dry.
“Well, I am Christ the redeemer. I am the son of God. I had no need to part the waters, I could walk on water.”
He takes a few steps into the river, sinks to the bottom, comes out distressed.
“I don’t understand, that never happened before!”
“Well, the last time you tried it did you have those holes in your feet?"
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Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
Knock Knock .....
Whose there?
Midas
Midas who?
Midas well let me in.
Whose there?
Midas
Midas who?
Midas well let me in.
Ourman
Well-Known Member
Mummy and daddy balloon are sick of baby balloon getting into bed with them every night, as he's getting bigger now and their bed no longer fits all three of them. So they buy a new bed just for baby balloon and explain that he is not going to be allowed to sleep in their bed with them anymore.
That night the put baby balloon into his new bed and he goes to sleep, in the middle of the night though he wakes up and frightened he creeps into his parents bedroom but he can't get into the bed as there's no room. Careful he unties his mother's knot and lets some air out but there's still not enough room. He undoes his father's knot and lets so air out and again there's still not enough room! As a last resort he unties his own knot releases some air and manages to squeeze into the bed.
In the morning they all wake up and daddy balloon realises what has happened and he is furious. He shouts at baby balloon " I'm disgusted with you, you've let your mother down, you've let me down but worst of all you've let yourself down! "
That night the put baby balloon into his new bed and he goes to sleep, in the middle of the night though he wakes up and frightened he creeps into his parents bedroom but he can't get into the bed as there's no room. Careful he unties his mother's knot and lets some air out but there's still not enough room. He undoes his father's knot and lets so air out and again there's still not enough room! As a last resort he unties his own knot releases some air and manages to squeeze into the bed.
In the morning they all wake up and daddy balloon realises what has happened and he is furious. He shouts at baby balloon " I'm disgusted with you, you've let your mother down, you've let me down but worst of all you've let yourself down! "
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Mummy and Daddy condom…..