Joke thread

A guy named Tom is on his honeymoon and retires to the room with his new bride Betty. They are both pretty religious, so this will be a consummation in the traditional sense. As things start to get hot and heavy, Betty stops him.

"I have a confession to make. You're not my first. I'm not a virgin."

Tom is upset. He starts to leave.

"Wait," she says. "It was only once. I was with one man, for one night only--at that man was Tiger Woods."

That gets his attention. "Tiger? It was only one time and it was with Tiger Woods?"

She nods.

Tom scratches his chin. Sure it's against the bible, but he is a huge Tiger fan. He figures if his wife had to have slept with someone else, TW is about as good as it gets. They reconcile, and make sweet, sweet love for the first time. After it's all over, Tom unravels himself from the sweaty sheets, walks over to the desk, and picks up the phone.

"What are you doing?" Betty asks.

"Calling room service. I'm starving."

Betty gives him a look. "That's not what Tiger would do, you know."

"What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come over here and fuck me again."

Tom figures, what the hey, it's my honeymoon. He jumps between the sheets, gives it another go, and spends himself completely. Afterward he heads for the phone.

"Tom, who are you calling?"

"Like I said before, I'm calling room service, I'm starving."

"That's not what Tiger would do."

"What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come over here and fuck me a third time."

Okay, fine. The man's a personal hero, Tom figures, time to stand on the shoulders of giants. He beats his meat back into some kind of servicable shape, gets on top of her, and pounds away. It's not even that enjoyable now, but he's committed. He gets the job done. Sweaty and exausted, the soaked sheet clinging to him like a toga, Tom heads over to the phone.

Betty sighs. "Who are you calling?"

"I'm calling Tiger?"

"Tiger? What for?"

"Because I have to know: what exactly is the the par for this hole."
 
Lavinda Past said:
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"
Click to expand...
Sean and Seamus sound like right gobshites.
Where were they from?
 
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